My First Train Experience

I knew exactly why I was apprehensive about taking the train this morning, as soon as I saw the inside of the coach I was to cohabit with other commuters, I know not all of you know what a “molue” is, ask someone who lives anywhere after oshodi, you’ll get the idea, so I’m in a bigger version, that’s all.

So I woke up this morning, super hyped to start my day, prayed Fajr, used the generator to iron(PHCN decided to remind me that life isn’t a bed of roses) the first situation that irked my suspicion was my wrist watch that has gone AWOL for days now, I still couldn’t find the damn thing, I had begged, pleaded, sweet talked it,even turned my room upside down(it was kuku upside down before) still I couldn’t find it, by this time it was some minutes to 7,well what can I do, I won’t die if I don’t wear the wrist watch this morning, I made a silent vow to have my revenge, I’m going to buy a better and more expensive wrist watch (that’s when I have the money sha) .

By 7:23 I was out, Zainab, the young girl from across the house who was to be my guide to the train station, came to call me, my stomach rumbled a little, shrug, I didn’t eat I told myself(little did I know) anyway, another suspicious event, the walk to the train station was longer than I anticipated, I mean my legs started to act one kain kinda long, we eventually got to the train station, where I saw scattered number of people sitting around. As a good citizen of Nigeria and a strong advocate of protocol, I bought my ticket, I tried not to be a too obvious jjc(jolly just come) I brought out 300 naira(i have no idea how much the ticket cost) stretched it out to the ticket guy, who gave me a weird stare and says it’s N230, I looked at my hand again, to be sure I didnt bring out just N200,well it was N300,oh he doesn’t have change, give me 50naira if you have it, at least that would save us both the trouble, I got my ticket and went to do my “Omar Hardwick’s” Power standing pose by the rail track, my anticipation gradually getting impatient.

While I was still trying to mentally make account of my expenses for the past few days, the conversation of two experienced train users found its way into my subconscious, I should have gone to Ijoko to take the train, the first man said, I would have gotten there if I left since, there’s no way I would not get a sitting space over there, the other man just mumbled something I could figure out, my over calculating mind sprung into action, so that means there is a possibility I might not get a sitting space?nah my stubborn Lagos boy mind said, you will be just fine, shebi you have ticket,i calmed down a little, I shuffled my feet away from the train tracks as I heard the horns of the train from afar, I looked around and everyone was doing the opposite, well I was about to become a statistics of train accident this morning.

The train stopped eventually and I could see some people standing in almost all of the coaches, they must have bought a lesser ticket or they don’t have ticket I said to myself, trying to get into the train was another thing, everyone was rushing, there was a young lady carrying a child who was also trying to get into the train, no one even cared they just shrugged her aside, I almost did the same, her face looked quite familiar to that of a lady who was rude to me in the bus the other day, well, be good to others I said, I moved for her to enter(always the gentleman) I entered the train and saw about two free seats, I said it!!my naive mind exclaimed, I will find a seat, is it not me, I greeted the people on the seat and proceeded to sit in between the people I met there, someone sharply told me someone was there, ermmmm I wanted to argue how can someone be there, is he going to Hogwarts or something I can’t see no damn person there, before I could even say anything, some told me excuse and sat down, I moved to the next supposedly available seat,same thing, from where I stood, there was no more available seats, my heart sank, well I braced myself and put my hustler spirit on, I guess we was standing today.

I found a somewhat comfortable place to stand, faced the direction the train was headed, when it hit me hard, this train was stuffy, and more people were coming in, hmmmm, I cannot kuku get down again, the train suddenly jerked(thank Allah for small stamina) I adjusted myself and held to the baggage railing beside me, as the train left the station, I paid attention to the people around me, everyone seemed to know someone, people were having conversations, greeting random people, asking of kids and how yesterday ended, I was there standing and wondering why some people were giving me weird stares, shrug, it’s probably my well groomed beards I thought, I pushed my baseball cap up a little bit to read the sign in front of me that says “no preaching and hawking inside the coaches please" that was comforting another naive part of my mind thought , believe me not even half a second later, I heard someone advertise local herbs, you should have seen my heart, it sank faster than a stone would in water.

We got to the next train station and the train stopped, to drop off people I guess, nope, apparently to pick up more people, I looked around for exactly where they would stay, nowhere I thought, I moved closer to the seat I was standing to let people pass, I was shoved from every position, the painful reality hit me, my Oxford brogues will not be spared in this onslaught , a man who was going on and on about how he never buys a train ticket but he gets a seat every time gave me another stare for the umpteenth time, I gave him my meanest James Bond once over, it seemed to do the trick for the moment, then I saw the ticket collector coming into the coach asking and punching away at tickets like a Kool Kat, I brought mine out of my pocket and stretched it out to him as he got beside me, dude didn’t even give me a side stare, he just passed like I didn’t exist, ermmmm, what just happened I wanted to ask, well I didn’t say anything, maybe he was going to get to me on the round trip, probably someone else collects for the people standing, the stuffiness of my coach reminded me of how I felt when I was watching “Cell" last night, you know the movie where cell phones controlled humans and they had this cool and customized zombie behavior, yeah that one, I suddenly felt it was happening and I was the only normal person, I thanked my stars for The Chainsomkers ,as “I need you right now” flowed through my ear piece, the instant a very weird smell hit my nostrils, I couldn’t even discern what or where the smell came from, I looked out and we had stopped, by now there were daredevils hanging on the train’s window sills, the view from inside the train was different, they looked like they were having their morning workout, more people shoved and puffed their way into the train as my train of thought was distracted by a POS looking thing, being held by a female Hausa food seller, I was confused for a second, she takes POS?? my confusion was addressed as she put the device to her ear and twisted a dial, oh it’s a radio! Sigh of relief.

Someone stepped on my shoes for the fifth time, watch the brogues!I almost exclaimed, suddenly I missed the traffic of the road, I would give anything to be sitting in a danfo bus, chilling in the traffic in the comfort of my seat, using my handkerchief to wipe my sweat and comfort my face, I can’t even get to my pocket without touching someone’s bum out here, Save me!!! Was the reply I sent on whatsapp to a friend of mine as she asked what I was doing, I updated my BBM status to reflect my current predicament, looking around once again, the woman beside me was staring at my phone like it was a contraband, I didn’t even mind her, the cute chic looking at me seemed to be saying, sorry ehn, with the look on her face, I just kept typing away before she thinks I’m a weirdo or something.

My catarrh was back,just great,like I wasnt sticking out, like a sore thumb before, I checked on my bag I had placed on the baggage rail again just incase, it had suddenly felt the need to move without my permission. I’m so glad I had my ear piece with me, it helped put me in a matrix, between my own train station and Ikeja I can count at least 5 local herb advertisers, all with different sale pitches, do much for no hawking, as I sniffle one more time, the train has stopped at Ikeja for about 30mins and I have no idea why and when it will move again.

Did i forget to mention that another ticket collector came and was randomly asking people he didn’t know or recognize for their tickets, apparently the coach family was a tightly knit one,he was greeting most and frowning at some, he looked my way but didn’t say anything, after awhile he looked at me suspiciously and asked for my ticket, in my mind I was like, wow*insert Kevin Hart bewildered expression * do you look at me finish and think I got on this train without a ticket, clap for yourself I said in mind of course as I fished for my ticket, y’all should be glad that I have the patience of an angel, because the dude just turned around and left, didn’t even see my ticket ,let alone punch it. I just shook my head.

I looked out to the road and it was free, really!!! I’m sure the bus gods are mocking me. Anyhow it goes, I will let you guys know how this.... not so cool journey goes. Please remind me to ask how much first class ticket is, if I’m gonna be making this a habit, I can’t continue like this, hell no!!!