Seven. Three. Zero.

Any resemblance to persons living or dead should be plainly apparent to them and those who know them, especially if the author has been kind enough to have provided their real names and, in some cases, their phone numbers. All events described herein actually happened, though on occasion the author has taken certain, very small, liberties with chronology, because that is his right as a human being.

I have been wanting to write about this for quite some time now. If you’re disinterested at this point, I suggest you close the tab/window or read some other story on Medium.

This is a story about Satish, a 3rd year engineering guy (IT), and Haasini, a 2nd year Law student. I will be telling you this story from Satish’s perspective. Shall we?

Date: April 23rd, 2014
Time: 2123 hrs
Location: Tiruchirapalli junction railway station
Haasini and I properly met in Trichy railway station, randomly. I had met her through a mutual friend of ours but we hadn’t quite talked much. This time we sat and talked for like 20 minutes how strict our college rules were and sometimes the rules & regulations didn’t make sense at all. It was a nice random conversation to start with. I had totally forgotten that we were part of this Debate club which met up every other weekend for sessions. So through the group’s Whatsapp group, she had gotten her number and pinged me first after the train started moving. I really liked the fact she chose to continue the conversation somehow. I was going home for the study holidays and she was going home for the weekend as her final cycle tests had ended. Texts soon turned super exciting and we started talking in a span of days. I had my books open and but my mind was engrossed in that particular chat window in my Samsung S2. My heart skipped a beat or two when I had this happy thought of texting or better calling her. It really did. On the fourth day, I knew I was falling for her. The question was — How long do I wait before I tell her and hope that she doesn’t freak out and love me back? I started dropping hints by telling stories about how two fictional characters like each other but don’t blurt it out. I think she noticed it but didn’t want me to stop. She wanted to write a book but I said I’d write one after the fictional characters get together. And the end of the semester, we decided to leave for Chennai together on the same. Being a slave of karma, the management decided to hold me back from traveling with her on the pretext of flunking the pre-placement test. Thankfully I had Umar bhai for company during those long and hot days. I badly wanted to travel with her in a train watching VTV. I had elaborate plans in my mind. Probably castles in the air types.

In the holidays, due to my excitement levels reaching new heights, I decided to tell her that I like her and stuff. She did like me but was afraid to do anything about it because she hated commitments. This is the part where I describe her. She was beautiful in her own way — the melodious voice, the strength she carried around like an invisible shield-sword combo, the practical and pragmatic mindset, the ambitions that she had. She doesn’t and didn’t trust people easily because she has mentioned that people have been assholes to her since her childhood. At times I empathized with her regarding assholes. But there were times when she was so deep inside her own shell that she didn’t let me in. She was too protective because I could probably hurt her with the aforementioned liking. She was never a meeting person in college. She didn’t want her friends, classmates or seniors to know that she was meeting me in Ram Cafe or Marquee. I hoped there was a cure for “commitmentphobia”. Optimism from a pessimist like myself is quite rare.

Signs of desperation were starting to show up.

In the next semester, I was under the pressure of getting placed and she was being a major support. Days and months went by I didn’t have a job and I was freaking out because I wanted a job at hand and I wanted to prove that we could probably have a future. In September, a month after my birthday, during a phone conversation she muttered the phrase “I love you”, which is like a huge thing in her complex mind. Guess what the jackass in me replied to that “I love you too. But this decision seems romba random. So please think hard about before committing”. That’s probably the moment when things went south. She thought about it and decided that I wasn’t her Neo and she didn’t see a foreseeable future with me or anyone then. She hath lost interest. I had lost the battle and was on the verge of losing the war. Desperation took the driver’s seat for next few months till I graduated in April. I tried to convince her she needed to put effort for us although she made abundantly clear that she didn’t want to. In the spur of the moment, I decided to put in effort for us instead of her because I was holding on whatever I could hold on to. That’s where I completely went wrong.

It takes two people to form a relationship. In simple terms, 50–50 partnership is needed. It doesn’t work when the ratio is imbalanced. Trust me on this. I have learnt it the hard way.

It was April 16th, 2015. The last day of the semester for most people. For people like me, college was coming to a close. (No! I am not being nostalgic or anything). In the beginning months of the Great Desperation, I had set a date for her to seriously tell me whether we would be going out for real or calling it off. She had already decided on calling it off but was playing nice because I was leaving in that semester. As the last day of college and the set date was approaching she was freaking out in her own way. She didn’t want to tell me face-to-face that things wasn’t and won’t work out between us because she hath lost interest and now sees me as a friend. I was friend-zoned after the peak of an “I love you”. Un-fucking-believable.

A month after I had joined work, she dropped the bomb. The Death Star laser/ray. I was in a state of denial. I was in love for Alderaan reasons and now I was shattered into a million pieces. Millions of souls crying for help. The Force was weak within. By the time I realized that I was going through a burn out, of sorts, two months had gone by. The Great Depression phase where in I felt hollow inside. I was hungry but couldn’t decide on what food to eat. I started questioning my choices in life. Was I worth it? The emotional pain was unbearable. I am sure people who have gone through shit like this can relate and understand that I am not making shit up. This went on for months and in December, a month after meeting her, on her birthday, I decided to finally move on. I had won the war, albeit a personal one. I still talk to her for reasons unknown. Maybe I moved on or maybe I didn’t. One thing I realized —

Love is more than a feeling. It is a choice and commitment to go through the ugliest of days, without her noticing and keep her happy. Find someone who’s compatible, understanding and worth the time, energy and money you spend on them.

Today: April 23rd, 2016.
Exactly two years or rather 730 days since I was fortunate to have met her on that train station on that night. I thought she was my Monica but in reality she was life lesson in disguise.