Depression is fucking depressing

I contemplated how I should write this or if I should write it.

I contemplated in the past tense and now I will explain things in the present.

I am in a pretty dark place right now and thought it would makes sense to express the black sphere that is depression. For me. For others. And for the universe possibly. Maybe it can hear me and react to my frustration with it.

Answer back you epic monster.

The problem is every word I feel like saying or writing down right now feels like poison. Like if I say them they will infect others who might not have ever contemplated such things. For this initial offering i’ll try to keep the poison levels set to low.

SO how depression (or give it any other name you want) starts with me is via this thing I call a downward spiral. *note: I have experimented with creating upward spirals but they are MUCH harder to initiate.

The downward spiral starts with a bit of real world bad news. Or real world bad feelings or thoughts. Something from outside me affecting me. Example: something creative I work on and no one sees or cares about, bad news about a tooth that needs to be extracted, injustice in the news/world, family issues … all of which have been beginnings to personal downward spirals for me.

Once on this path of bad news/feelings the next thing that might be considered ‘bad news’ is compounded and really fucks me up. I start to feel the downward pull of the spiral. Hopeless comes next as each new piece of information (sometimes even positive in nature) converts itself to the darkness. There is no way out.

I have occasionally averted this process with some VERY good news being interjected into my downward path. Recently while at work I was headed down one, and then I was presented some rather good news (and future possibilities) that staved off the infection. But this is rare.

More times than not the spiral has a hold of me and then anything I ‘say’ to others is basically poison out of my mouth. My world view in the thick of depression is actually hurtful to others. I can easily bring up all the darkest ideas and actual problems with humanity, society, relationships, and friendship.

It’s as if I were present at a table in hell. A perfectly good view of it’s plans and it’s terrible possibilities.

It also feels like a heavy weight has pulled me down there. Gravity has shifted and i’m 1 million pounds. Unable to move from this place of dark reflection.

Also, I must clarify. This stuff IS real. Darkness is a foot. We just put on blinders (especially in this country) and sedate ourselves with bread and circus. Reality has a terrible shadow following it. My thoughts in this space and spiral seem (to me) more like a veil being lifted. Not an ‘chemical imbalance’ or a delusion. Something that is affecting me from seeing what a perfectly awesome world is present right in front of me. No .. this world is perfectly imperfect.

Now that is not to say I don’t enjoy entertainment. I create things on a daily basis to help people forget the pain. After all, one of my main goals on the planet is to entertain. But when in this space, the bottom of my own downward spiraling pit, I have no strength to keep producing stuff. Food tastes less good and life feels less sacred.

So how do I end this initial comment or offering of my feelings on depression? I don’t know. At the time of this writing i’m currently circling the lobby of hell. I’m not even sure how I got here. It seemed as if I was just at the dark red table with demons, yet now find myself somehow back in the lobby. It’s less hot here. See .. comedy. I’m trying.

I’m rather emotional in the lobby it seems, because that attempt at levity almost brought me to tears. What a weird fucking world. And what weird fucking minds us humans have.

I say that because (without going fully into it) everything i’m typing is the world. Me typing thoughts become reality. Our human brains make reality and are also crushed by the weight of them (and their thoughts). Ignorance is bliss some say. I do feel pretty good when watching Homer on The Simpsons. I’m living vicariously through his simpler understanding of what’s all around him.

And what’s around him is a universe that fucks with us every day. Every fucking day we push up against it. It gives us joy and pain and extreme everything. Yet we still don’t understand it or know how to manage it. It makes us do crazy things, and it can push us into dark places like the one I find myself in now.

Fucking universe.

That’s my end to these thoughts for today. I seem to still be in the lobby to hell. I might ask someone to turn on the heat.

*note: these are my own personal feelings about how depression affects me. Others have different experiences and medications and realities. We all are experiencing the universe a bit different from one another so this is not a final statement on anything, but maybe the beginning of a conversation.