How Feminism Can Help Men to Relate to Women

OLIVER CHAPMAN
Nov 3 · 4 min read

In these days of #MeToo and #TimesUp, this seems to be a good time for men to embrace feminism — to pay attention to the issues that face members of the female sex in their daily lives and the baleful effects that misogyny and the patriarchy have on them when toxic masculinity raises its ugly head.

Where to start

However, many men are at a loss of where to start. There are many issues within feminism. How can men begin to address them or even talk about them with the women in their lives? If, for example, you decide to speak to a woman at work about your wanting to be a feminist, or attempt to start talking about a certain issue, how can you know that this won’t be dreadfully awkward? When’s the best time? At break, maybe? At the water cooler? At after-work drinks? Perhaps grabbing a coffee at Starbucks on the way to the office in the morning? Also, aren’t these issues very serious? Won’t they be a bit of a downer and create an unnecessarily “heavy” atmosphere with work colleagues?

What other feminists typically expect

On top of these qualms, there are also the expectations of existing feminists. Typically, if you ask them how men can help, they will tell you to speak up when you see anti-female discussion going on in the locker room and other men-only areas, or to defend and empower women in the boardroom. That’s great but how often is this actually going to happen? While some guys might hang out in those circles, for someone like me at least, I can count the number of anti-female conversations I’ve been present at in my whole life on just one hand. If I wait around for the next one, I could be waiting for a long time and I want to start now. Alternatively, feminists might say, “join the Women’s March”. That would be great — I’m sure the sense of togetherness with women would feel awesome at an event like that. However, once again, it’s an annual event, not a daily one. Plus, I feel a little awkward marching with women demanding that they be given privilege, while all along I have privilege all the time. Why watch women trying to kick the door down to privilege when the key’s in my pocket?

A new approach

Now, though, I have thought of a new way to handle this — use feminism to relate to women personally. Rather than use your existing social skills to try to introduce the topic, use feminism to get social!

Just recently, I have been investigating what the top issues in feminism are. I found out that they are — female genital mutilation (FGM), abortion, trafficking, the gender pay gap, poor representation in government, rape, stalking and harassment, the division of domestic labour, the glass ceiling, lack of women in the media, social inequality and violence against women.

It makes sense to put these in order of “easiest to talk about” to “hardest to understand or discuss”. For me, the order is -

1/ Division of domestic labour

2/ Social inequality

3/ Gender pay gap

4/ Glass ceiling

5/ Lack of women in the media

6/ Poor representation in government

7/ Stalking and harassment

8/ Violence against women

9/ Trafficking

10/ Rape

11/ Female genital mutilation

12/ Abortion

The order might be different for you but this makes sense to me. What is interesting is how each one almost seems to be a preparation for the next level up. Each level will require greater empathy, allyship and willingness to defend and empower women. The benefit to men who endeavour to create meaningful connections with women on these issues is membership in the sisterhood and a transforming of your understanding of women and the lives they lead.

As a male feminist, I feel excited to embark on this journey. It has bothered me for some time as to how to start talking with women on these matters, so that I can use my privilege to help them. With this list, I can start.

Photo by Tim Gouw on Unsplash

My plan is to start with women at work. I’ll talk about housework and my attempts to equalize the division of labour with my wife. Then I’ll ask what their husbands or boyfriends do. We’ll discuss how she feels about this current status quo. Then I’ll talk about how I’ve read that a 50–50 arrangement, where each partner does what they are good at, is best for both and frees up women to follow their dreams.

I’ll start in the staff room with just one or two women. Then word will get around that I’m discussing this and we can develop a small group. Then, over time, this can develop to a more departmental level. As the group gets bigger, I can then use my privilege to keep normalizing the discussion, adding to the conversation and making inroads into ensuring the group’s survival and recruitment of new members across the organization. Awesome!

Empowering women

My hope is that, if you are a male reading this, that you will be inspired to do the same in your organization. Come on! Let’s create a matriarchy of intelligent, empowered women who have the freedom to choose what they want to do at home and in their careers. Men can then also reap the benefit of female equality and hope for better things. Then all the dreams of men and women will come true! LET’S GET STARTED!

Romance novelist, feminist, LGBT ally, personal development expert, columnist for the Good Men Project, Life Coach, Personal Trainer, mentor, counsellor.

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