Jealousy and Envy: Roadblocks to Happiness and Success

Jealousy and envy are frequently confused. While they often go hand in hand, jealousy involves 3 parties, and envy involves 2.

Jealousy: A third party, a rival, is competing for, stealing something that is or should have been mine.

Envy: I want what another has.

They both involve stealing.
 Jealousy = you are stealing from me.
 Envy = I want to steal from you.

First, we’ll look at the green-eyed monster…

JEALOUSY

Did you ever try to pet one dog when another is inthe same room? Dog #2 runs over, tries to push Dog #1 out of the way, capture your attention and guide your hands onto his furry coat. The second dog sees the first dog as having what he wants and tries to take it away. That’s jealousy. It’s a natural instinct in human beings as well as animals.

Jealousy makes us respond like Dog #2. We resent people who take attention away from us. We try to push them out of the way and recapture what we think is or should be ours.

Jealousy is a common reaction….

In a family, when one sibling receives more attention than another.

In a couple, when one partner exhibits interest in someone else.

In the workplace, when someone is more popular, receives more approval or a promotion we think should be ours.

We’ve all experienced jealousy at one time or another. It is a dangerous brew of fear, insecurity and inferiority that sparks feelings of anger, resentment and hatred. Jealousy is a destructive emotion and leads to destructive actions. Murders have been committed by people in a jealous rage. Jealousy can also be deadly to the person experiencing it, leading to suicide.

The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves. William Penn

Jealousy is inevitable when self-worth, security and happiness depend on someone or something outside us. It resonates painful feelings of failure and insufficiency. We imagine all will be well if we can only fix the outside picture, but the inside causes remain.

The problem is within, not without.

Jealous people are suspicious, possessive, demanding and controlling, the very things that drive others away.

ENVY

Envy describes the feeling we have when someone has what we wish we had. Envy is aroused by people who are living a life we would like to have. They appear smarter, more attractive, richer, happier, more successful than we are.

Insecurity and unhappiness drive us to covet what another has. We have probably all felt it at one time or another. We all feel incomplete in some way; not quite good enough. That feeling can make us strive to improve ourselves, learn, grow, explore and achieve. But it can also give rise to envy. Envy shines a spotlight on our inadequacy and increases feelings of inferiority. As with jealousy, envy puts the focus on what we lack.

FOCUS OF ATTENTION CREATES. The more we envy others, the more deficient we feel.

Rather than striving to accomplish what we desire, we would like to steal it from someone else. When we envy people, we harbor resentment and wish them ill — subconsciously if not consciously. We entertain visions of their downfall. Then their well-being would cease to resonate our feelings of lack and inferiority. We might even get to feel superior — for a little while at least.

The Germans have a word for taking pleasure in another’s misfortune: schadenfreude. Schaden means harm and freudemeans joy. Who doesn’t take a bit of guilty pleasure in seeing famous people fall from their pedestal? Or someone ‘too big for his britches’ get ‘cut down to size’? We try to justify our feelings by saying, “S/he got what s/he deserved.” Such attitudes spark shame and guilt, making us more hostile and resentful. Envy diminishes us. It keeps us stuck in a negative mindset and blocks the path to change.

“Success makes so many people hate you. I wish it wasn’t that way. It would be wonderful to enjoy success without seeing envy in the eyes of those around you.” Marilyn Monroe

We can use envy to grow. It shows us what is missing in our lives. It highlights a goal worth striving for. The positive flip side of envy is admiration. A student admires a teacher. An apprentice admires a mentor. Children admire parents and role models. Admiration creates a bridge between people rather than a wall. Admiring others can inspire us to learn and grow, perhaps accomplish what they have achieved.

Jealousy and envy have negative biochemical effects on the body and brain. They can lead to self-pity, anger and depression. Happiness and success do not abide where jealousy and envy dwell.

www.gerioneill.com

Related