Atrocity Exhibition

Last night I listened to Danny Browns critically acclaimed album “old” and remembered a time when I too slipped through the 'rabbit hole'

Only now do I realize he was fighting a host of mental health issues, including depression and anxiety, but that he was going through withdrawals, and the same people who had lined up to watch Danny Brown die like a rockstar were suddenly nowhere to be found:

I unearthed a few of his old tweets ;

“Seriously thought quit Po would make a everything better ... just making me sink deeper in depression to be honest ..”
— Danny Brown (@xdannyxbrownx)

“I can’t sleep my anxiety is at an all time high but don’t none of y’all care about that .. Y’all just want me to be goofy”
— Danny Brown (@xdannyxbrownx)

“And make a fool out of myself .. Y’all don’t care about me”
— Danny Brown (@xdannyxbrownx)

Of course he has a point. From Keith Moon to Kurt Cobain, Jim Belushi to Chris Farley, Iggy Pop to Amy Winehouse, we’ve always been drawn to self-destruction. We love artists for tearing themselves open for us, sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively, but that same love can be a trap. Danny Brown’s success has been fueled by his drug use and his over-the-top personality, but while we can walk away (or more likely, just shut our laptops), Danny’s left dealing with the damage. And that damage is real to Danny in a way that a song or a "Twitter meltdown" will never be to us.

Fame, especially fame based on self-destruction, is often desrcibed as a deal with the devil that Danny has in large part made willingly, as have so many others, but then who in that equation is the devil?

I remember the other day I was having a conversation at lunch with some of my work mates at the bookstore where I intern. One of them said “You know when you tell people you’re trying to get help they think it a contrived way of seeking attention, I get why some people feel like a lot of people don’t care.” I can’t speak to which of his rapper friends had called him to lend some support. Not many. So far only a handful of sites that I’ve seen, certainly not some of the larger sites that have been such ardent "supporters" of his in the past (you know, when that "support" involved profiting from chronicling his drug use).

Just like a fan, but in many ways much worse, the media’s more than willing in line up and snap pictures of Danny to serve as a window through which we can watch his self-destruction. But after the interview ends, after the pageviews have been duly logged, how many still care? How many are writing something like this now with anything near the speed they used to post him talking about his problems.

And then, if something terrible truly does happen, watch those same writers, the exact same ones who laughed at his pain will laugh at his funeral and they stayed silent now, but watch how they will line up to write their tribute pieces.

“Nobody cares if I live or die .. That’s the bottom line .. Y’all want me to overdose just don’t be surprised when u get what u asked for”
— Danny Brown (@xdannyxbrownx)

“Maybe if i die id get the props i deserved yo u know”
— Danny Brown (@xdannyxbrownx)

To be clear, I’m by no means above that hypocrisy; I used to “drink” with rappers . I used to eat up every clips of rappers being goofy and smoked enough to put Wiz Khalifa in a coma. So if the worst were to happen and he went the way of Big Pun, ODB, Pimp C and so many others, I couldn’t claim to be surprised, or maintain any semblance of innocence. Like so many others I lined up to watch him break every rule of healthy living, it’s why I celebrated him. Because he did everything I wish I could do, but was too afraid to.

But as I get older and the list of 'celebrities’ I’ve seen die 'far before their times' grows, as the crowd of friends and family who have passed away or ended up at midnight meetings gets ever larger, I’m having a harder and harder time looking at things like Danny Brown’s Twitter feed without feeling something....something more than just the voyeurism of watching another rock star entertain us to death.

“Depression is serious y’all think I do drugs cause it’s fun ... I would no other way to escape”
— Danny Brown (@xdannyxbrownx)

So for however little it matters, as sincerely as I can write this for someone I’ve never met and won’t pretend to know on anything resembling a personal level, I hope Danny Brown finds some peace in his life. And if he has to leave the glare of hip-hop to find that peace, I won’t go looking for him.