Move Over Handjobs; Lighting Your Ears on Fire with A Burnt S’more Is The Only Acceptable Sex Position Now

This week, New York Magazine declared that “Hand Jobs Are Back” because they were gone for a while, presumably having a cigarette with kneejobs.

But as we all know, hand jobs are racist. The only acceptable sex position is lighting your ears on fire with a s’more you left over a burn pit for so long Angry Aunt Danica had to put it out with a fire extinguisher.

Hand jobs, like all sex things, are fashion choices, and like fashion choices, all of them except one thing is very bad. This is good because telling people that one kind of sex is a cool kind of sex and other kinds of sex are very bad now will make people feel considerably better about the person that they are.

That’s why, as we all know, we stopped giving hand jobs at precisely 7:34 p.m. last night. We are doing the s’more thing now.

Hot s’moring, which is not racist, like all hand jobs, came about because we watched three television shows, all of which had people doing this, unracistly. All other kinds of sex are bad now, sorry.

As Cosmo once wrote: “We are a magazine that preys on people with low self-esteem in line at the supermarket. Replace sex with setting your ears aflame with a piping hot marshmallow.”

That is what you should do now, instead of the sex things that you like. No other sex is legal.