A resume for Gollum.. looking for their Precious.
Disclaimer : this is only in response to the Job Descriptions i come across on Angel.Co, which make me sit back and wonder, why on earth .. but then, what can you say to set-ups that actually thrive on the motto of Hire Fast and Fire Faster. So here are my thoughts on what exactly should the resume look like ?
Candidate Name : Mr.Creative Passionate Disruptor
Candidate Profile: Sales Ninja/Digital Marketing Ninja/Growth Ninja/ Bullshit Manufacturer Ninja /Operations Ninja/UX UI Ninja
“No matter what your profile, make sure it has Ninja as a suffix, no job headline makes you stand out more than saying, you are a 12th century mercenary”
Candidate Summary : Experience, experience more experience.
The key word : “ X raised to the power infinity years of Experience”
Candidate Skills : Only thinks outside the box, sits outside the box, sleeps outside the box.
Mastered all the latest buzzwords : Disrupt, Blockchain, Virtual Reality and Artificial intelligence, Machine Learning, ESOPS, Equity.
Passionate only about problem solving, won’t give “No” for an answer to work, will clock in and burn the midnight oil ‘coz can’t afford a place to stay in the meager salary and would definitely love to work in a 24x7 flexible environment, coz why finish a work on weekday and give it to c̵l̵i̵e̵n̵t̵ partner on time, when you can actually work on weekends.
Has the ability to move fast and break things (a la FLASH) doesn’t get hungry except only for newer technology and software. Doesn’t phone it in to collect pay check, ‘coz can’t afford one.
Eagerly awaits for the snacks and tidbits and free coffee which you oh so gloriously dole out in office ‘coz neither he has the time nor money to prepare or buy a decent meal.
Comfortable with your dress code of casual ‘coz even though you may say a genius doesn’t need dress to impress, a genius can’t also afford the power dressing.Ouch, Reality bites.
“Looks like Ian Fleming didn’t get the memo.. somewhere he would be turning in his grave”
“We are afraid that we are looking for someone who does not exist, you can prove us wrong by applying!” say all such job postings.
Well, looking for a decent startup which is more than its cool offices (read : co-working spaces) with dank memes, and fancy motivational posters (‘coz how else would we know that we are a get-shit-done attitude bunch?) where people won’t justify “startup culture” to use only swear words or to turn in late to work, and use fancy lingo to mask their inefficiency is akin to looking for water in desert, but only encountering mirages.
Looking for the proverbial needle in the haystack would be much easier than finding a decent startup which is actually interested in meeting and knowing the human resource they are willing to acquire and not simply conduct all their interviews via messenger or chats or chat bots and post such silly gimmicky job posts, with a incessant obnoxious demands but pay peanuts in terms of respect or remuneration.
Until then Sorry but, zero, zip, zilch, nada, nyet, not happening again!!
Has anyone of you ever been short-changed by a startup, share in comments below.
