I'm not sure I'm ever going to find my match.
I say this because I'm not really sure I'm capable of love. I've got empathy in abundance, and I always fall in the zone of quickly pouring out my heart at the slightest chance. I'm not sure if this is bad or good as the result is not encouraging.
They usually start on me, throwing subtle hints at me. And there goes 'The knight', picking up crumbs of their hints and magnifying them to fill my ego. To fill that void left by loneliness and depression.
Magnified subtle hints leads to chatting. The initial excitement and rush when I see her reply. This magnified state of my ego prevents me from seeing her; I only see what I wish to see. I only see what I have longed for eternity. I see great concern instead of ordinary politeness. I see love instead of politeness again. These things I see or imagine makes me pour my heart out. I send all the love in my heart, I think about her in silence wishing I would get an ounce of all those love and care I have poured out.
Now politeness becomes monosyllables. I hate monosyllables.
This gradually fades, dissolving into nothingness like other experiences. Anxiety kicks in. Heavy depression kicks in.
The tears still flow while my eyes seem clear.
And I still want to give more of those love, more of those concern...even though it hurts like hell..
All I fear is those monosyllables. The emptiness in them draws me into some unknown black hole where the most dreadful of my demons reside.