this is what I told myself yesterday after I slapped my face 12 times, hard…
…the last one chipped my tooth…
…and I sent it to a friend just in case an explanation was needed
Do you know who we are? I asked myself
Rage, pain and death I responded.
Why then is everything so beautiful?
Because our eyes are open so wide that everything hurts.
And we, love pain more than everything else right? I asked, already knowing the response…
Fuck everything
And I will hide my darkenss from her, forever
For her light will fade if she ever noticed — *typos left in intentionally
What is this? he replied
The spirits of the street fade out when we roam
For they are afraid of our truth
That fading, is sweet compared to being
That dying, is easier than the hearteats laid out upon our lives by the blessing of life
That curses, are but a joke
This is the death, of the child
The surrender of light
The mutilation of the soul into forever
The turning of sweetness into an illusion
I laugh towards happiness when it shows it’s weak face
I curse joy when it asks me to meet her
I forsake the spring for it’s nothing but a decaying forewarner of the fleeting summer which ripens all things too quick
So they become falling leaves
A house, of snoe
Snow
This is the suicide letter of hope in the face of reality
This my friend, is what’s left of me.
I am, the nothingness you feel when everything you know is dying
I am the nothing
Everything in me is closed, and there are no walls left to climb.
I am buried, rotten and decayed and nothing is the same anymore.
I belong to no one and no one belongs to me.
I have destroyed myself, for I was nothing.
And now I am darker than nothing.
I cannot rise for I am beneath the hole and I am the hole.
I am the thing that burial stones are made of: the end of one’s few days.
It’s what I told myself yesterday evening, trying to kill my soul. Trying to kill the thing in me that feels too much; the child. And it was dead, for an hour. It was my darkest day yet.
