One Thing Every Parent of an Autistic Kid Should Know — From an Autistic

Your child does not know if your grief is their fault.

As a child I often worried that my mother was angry at me. As an autistic kid, reading her facial expressions and verbal subtext was like trying to decode a secret message. So I would ask “Are you mad at me?” She would often respond with “I am now!” and sigh how it was annoying for her to constantly be asked. I was not diagnosed with Autism until I was 22, so this cycle of misunderstanding repeated for decades. I knew from experience that sometimes my mother (and many others) would express anger at me without any lead up that I could decipher. Asking for clarification, however, constantly triggered anger as well. Left in this communication desert, I spent my entire childhood constantly aware that someone might be furious at me, without any way to resolve the conflict.

Spending your childhood in damage-control mode, feeling responsible for other people’s emotions without having any access to knowing what they are really feeling… it breaks your sense of what a healthy relationship is. It breaks your sense of self-worth. It breaks your trust.

Now that I am diagnosed, however, I have built a massive network of fellow autistics. And guess what? We communicate beautifully! Bold, blatant, and blunt — that is the autistic way. And when we get to communicate in the way that is hard-wired into our brains, it feels refreshingly effortless.

I always say that Neurotypicals communicate through subtlety, at the risk of being obtuse, and autistics communicate through directness, at the risk of being harsh.

Neurotypical

Someone with the typical brain setup, as opposed to autistics, adhd-ers, and others with different brain pre-sets

When autistic communication goes wrong, people are left hurt by harsh words. When Neurotypical communication goes wrong, people are left confused and misdirected. Many rom-coms are based on Neurotypical communication gone wrong. For example, maybe the heroine overhears an out-of-context snippet of a conversation and assumes the male love interest hates her and then breaks up with him to spare his feelings since she thinks that is what he wants. Then she blocks his number and moves to Paris and he has to chase her taxi in the rain or something. A confident autistic heroine would have just asked a clarifying question and spared them both a lot of trouble.

As an autistic, I will never be fluent in Neurotypical conversation. My brain is hardwired for a different way of conversing. (Honestly, this is probably part of my success as a comedian. Simply saying something in an unexpectedly direct way often brings people to laughter. It is so satisfying to communicate in my own way and be rewarded for it instead of shamed. I love my job.) Likewise, your autistic child will never understand everything that a Neurotypical child would.

When you prepared to become a parent, what did you imagine? Did you fantasize about sports games, and dance classes, and birthday parties full of friends? Did you think ahead to graduation and wonder if they would be valedictorian, or receive a scholarship to med school? Let me guess — your child being autistic did not play into that plan. That does not mean you hate your child or are disappointed in them. BUT THEY DO NOT KNOW THAT.

Your child is amazing and exceptional and I am guessing you would not trade them for the entire universe. You love your kid! But if you are upset after your child is diagnosed, that grief over your perfect fantasy life for your kid could easily be interpreted by your kid as “I ruined mom’s life.” (For the record, kids can still play sports and make friends and go to med school when they are autistic. It just might look different.)

I love being autistic because it’s a crucial part of who I am. I would not trade it for the world! But even I, an actual autistic person, went through grief when I was diagnosed, even as I was overjoyed by the clarity I had been seeking my whole life. After all, I was facing the prospect that I would never meet unspoken expectations society has for me. I was facing assurance that some people were going to treat me as lesser just based on my diagnosis. I was facing the prospect of a life of discrimination. I was facing sudden clarity on years of traumatic experiences. Grief is normal for any life change.

But does your child know what you are actually upset about? Remember, we autistics communicate through direct, blunt conversation, not hinting and implications. If you want your child to know that you adore them and do not “blame” them for being autistic, you have to TELL THEM.

You know your child better than I do, but if you are unsure of what words they most need to hear, try these affirmations.

I love you so much.

You are one of my favorite people.

I am not mad at you.

I am not angry, just tired.

Thank you for asking how I am doing! I am so glad you care about me. I am [current mood].

I am not upset that you are autistic. I am upset that some people are mean to autistics. Bullies make me mad. You did not make me mad.

Your autism makes you different. Sometimes I worry that you will be lonely. But I will be your friend no matter what. We can be different together.

I am so glad you are my child. I would not trade you for any other kid.

I am upset but it is not your fault. You did not make me upset.

Your autism is not bad. It is part of what makes you YOU! And you are amazing!

I am not upset that you are autistic. I am upset that you will have some parts of life that are harder for you because you are autistic. I want you to be happy all the time!

A final word: I know you have probably seen a lot of horror stories about autism out there. But a lot of the issues we autistics face come from people demanding we erase our autism through sheer willpower. For example, people refusing to ever use a more blunt communication style, or refusing to answer clarifying questions, denies us basic communication. Of course someone is not going to do well in the workplace/ school/ etc. if they are always confused! I cannot predict the future, and I do not know your child; however I can say that the simple act of accepting your child for who they are has power. Childhood trauma runs deep in the autistic community. Please do not assume your child is doomed or that their life will be tragic. When you provide a shame-free foundation for your child, you give them a rare treasure that so many autistic adults covet.

You’ve got this.