Why I had to stop being needy…
I simply didn’t receive the same amount of attention back from my significant other.
I started to measure his love for me by the amount of physical attention, the touching, kissing, hugging, sex -the words all of that made me feel wanted and loved.
When it lacked I felt unwanted and it could be just one hour without attention and I was already filling my own head with doubts about him and his love for me.
Some days we’d be fine and he’s touch me constantly and the next day when he wasn’t as touchy feely I’d think he’d lost interest and it wasn’t even remotely close to that.
I knew deep inside that he was the best thing to ever happen to me and that I was going to lose him if I couldn’t stop being so needy.
I had to make the decision to look deep inside of me and see what was missing in me to feel that way.
Growing up I didnt have my biological father and always felt like my step dad didn’t love me so in relationships I seemed to have a daddy complex, where I needed and not just wanted a man that took care of me and babied me.
After many failed relationships like that I started to close myself off to opening my heart to men and it hurt me and them in tje process.
I finally got into a loving relationship with a man than I couldn’t see myself with out. He complimented me not completed me and I found myself toxically becoming more and more needy and consistently asking him not just on a daily basis but maybe two or three times a day if he wanted to be with me, if he was sure, if he was making the right choice with me and every time I asked that question i teared up and feared the worst and he patiently would reassure but I could tell he was tired of how needy i was becoming. It wasn’t that he didnt love me. He just truly had so much going on that he couldn’t give me the physical attention I craved from him.
There were 5/6 nights in a week that we had no time alone. People always around and being the new girlfriend, trying to not be “like the ex’s" I stayed quiet when I’d want time alone and just walk away when he’d be with friends or family. Sometimes I’d cry and he wouldn’t even seem to be phased by my pain, but what would you do if someone cried every day for almost 3 months. He worried about me being unhappy with him but it wasn’t that. I was scared of losing him that I’d push him away. Then I stopped asking for attention. I gave up. He’d start to ignore me. I’m sure he’s going to swear he doesn’t but we don’t get alone time. I know he loves me and for now I have to just be content with him the way he is or I will lose him. I have told him what’s the point before. That I don’t want to be just roommates but he made it seem like it was all in my head.
Other than my being needy, he’d also push me away which in part made me hold on tighter. Want more. Cry more. Hurt more. But today .. literally today.
I sat by him. He was on his phone or playing a video game. Happy as can be. His friend coming over for the 5th time this week and I retreated to the room we share with his nephew and my daughter (no alone time at all) and he didn’t even ask me or talk to me for over an hour. Hes still there as I type this. Not phased at all that I’m lonely. I’m not crying this time. I am more burnt out on my own emotions to cry. I’m more annoyed but the lack of care he has.
When he’s at work he doesn’t text me good morning. He doesn’t ask how I am.
He comes for lunch and says two words to me and just seems to be content exactly where he is in life and I’m wanting more.
He talks so much about giving more but he doesn’t do a damn thing about it.
Crying wolf and never doing anything.
So why be needy for someone who doesn’t even care if you’re lonely.
Yes he may love me and I love him very much but maybe it’s time to start showing myself more love and not be so clingy with him.
It can go many ways.
He can not need me and not even care that I stopped.
He can think I don’t want him anymore and push me away.
Or try harder.
He may not even notice.