The true story of a “Pretzel”

Bavarian observation task or so….

All over the world they love “Pretzel” and all over the world it´s a big hype about our Bavarian traditions. But hey guys!..It would be nice first to learn in the own country what the right spelling of “Pretzel” is and that we Bavarian people hate if each “Saupreiß” (bad word for all people in Germany who are NOT originating from the beautiful Bavaria) thinks that if he has a “Pretzel” in his hands he has the right to change the name of our traditional food like they want!

Ok,- no enough of dissing the people of my country I will explain what the problem is with them….

First: FOOD NAME problem — We Bavarian hate nothing more as a “Saupreiß” enters a bakery and ask for a “Brezel”! This is WRONG! — NÖÖÖT! It´s called BREZE! LESSION 1: If you add a “l” in the end of a Bavarian expression you can be sure that you “little” the item. So, if you go to a party and you want to eat some finger food to your fucking French Champagne, — yes then it´s correct to they: Hey friend, could you please give me the chips and the Brezel please? BUT NOT IN A BAKERY which is in Bavaria (or anywhere else..because Breze originates from Bavaria and I recommend to use always the original name). Breze is the one you want to buy and I propose that every bakery in Bavaria will not give out a Breze to people who are not able to say it in the right way! I think teaching them is very important, that they have in the end of their life to die less stupid.

Second: DRINK NAME problem — Another big mystery for me is the problem with “Oa Maß Bier, bitte!”. Yes, it´s right that Maß it´s written with a “ß” and normally (but hey..we are Bavarians and we are not the normal GERMAN people) if you have a “ß” in a word you have to speak the letter before looooooooong. But hey! In this case Maß ,- it´s WRONG! — NÖÖÖT! Maß it´s spoken with a short “a” before, but this means not that you have then the right to write it in following way: Mass. This is WRONG as well! — NÖÖÖT! And, if I could decide I would recommend to all people who are not from Bavaria to avoid to use this special words or the sentence “Oa Maß Bier, bitte” — Not for use in a public place! Especially on the big “Oktoberfest” which is every year in Munich I had hear so much fucking wrong versions of “Maß” that I can´t believe that in the end it was not possible for me to find out if it was a ““Saupreiß” or a person from a foreign country which is far far away (like Australia, Alaska or anything else) who gave this garbage out of themselves!! And then, last but not least (thank you to all my fucking teachers I ever had for this most hated sentence in my life, which is branded in my head) the third problem….

Third: TRADITIONAL BAVARIAN DRESS — problem — First, the right names: Dirndl and Lederhose. All ok? But forget what I told you in the first lesson about the “l”. In this case DIRNDL is just the fucking name of the traditional dress women will wear on the Oktoberfest in Munich! It has nothing to do with smaller a thing or anything else…Yes, and that the men have not to got naked to the Oktoberfest they could wear a LEDERHOSE (real Bavarian people will call it: LEDERHOSN, but ok..this is too complicated for all others). But to bring it to the point I want to speak about is the new trend to buy fucking Dirndl which have nothing to do with our traditional dresses! Hey Ladies,- ähmm sorry, -I have better to say Bitches all over the world,- it´s not the sense of a Dirndl to see directly if you wear a underwear or not! NÖÖÖT! I think you understand there anything wrong. But this is not enough, you rape our Bavarian´s tradition as well with the thing, that your Dirndl are all so fucking ugly! What the hell has neon pink, green or coral color to do with a traditional Dirndl? And then the used material? Hello? It´s nice to know that you bought a Dirndl which is made of real silk and any fucking “VIP” has it as well. And it makes no matter that it costs 1 Mio. Euro, — the point which only counts is that your Dirndl is ugly and too short and has nothing to do with our Bavarian traditions! So please Bitches, oooh sorry Ladies of the world,- if you come to our nice city Munich 1 time per year, respect our tradition and let the Oktoberfest be what it always was! We need no public whorehose where drunken teenagers (13 years old or younger, or thinking they are younger) lie in the corner, threw up (with the Pretzel they eat before) from the top to bottom (because they drunk to much of the “Maß”) with spread legs and no underwear to wait that a “Saupreiß” comes around the corner and thinks: Hey, this Bavarian girls are really outspoken!

So, folk…see you soon on the Oktoberfest with the hope that anyone had read this here…

Thank you for your audience!