This Guy is in Everything You Love

A.k.a I’m watching “Jurassic World” and need something else to do

Written while listening to: my mom yell “SHE GONE!” when the British chick gets eaten by the mosasaur. True story.

As you may have guessed, I’m watching Jurassic World.

As you also may have guessed, I have feelings about Jurassic World that are not good feelings. But there’s one thing I did love about Jurassic World.

Freakin’ this guy:

Not his character. His character was the living worst. Look at that smug bastard. Look at his smug I’m-gonna-use-dinosaurs-for-the-militury-of-Murica face.

But the dude playin’ that dude is Vincent D’Onofrio. And we need to appreciate him for a second for being in three amazing things that we didn’t even recognize him in.

I didn’t know that was his name until I looked it up. Hell, I can’t even say that name. To me, his last name looks like what a cookie-flavored donut would be called (get on that, Dunkin’.) And I didn’t even recognize him. Because that freakin’ chameleon of a man has been in basically everything awesome and you’d never know it because he’s the faceless nameless man.

He was this crazy-ass guy in Full Metal Jacket…

Then he was THIS guy in Men in Black…

…possibly better recognized as THIS guy, Edgar…

FINE, best recognized as the non-alien-cockroach version of Edgar…borrrring.

And finally — and most recently — he was also in a little Marvel show on the best TV network not on TV, Netflix, where he plays giant baby-man, Wilson Fisk on Daredevil…

His man-baby-face is actually an upgrade from the comics, though, where he looked like a squishy turtle, a marshmallow, and a fetus all had a baby…

He was also in a movie called The Cell where he had horns and giant nipple rings. Never seen it, but this picture’s pretty important…

He was also in a movie called Mystic Pizza, which I think is also pretty important. Not because I’ve ever seen it or even heard of it. But it’s called Mystic Pizza, which is a damn beautiful title.

So, a jerk dinosaur army dude, an alien cockroach, a nipple-ringed devil thing, and a guy who’s physically only able to say “THIS CITYYY” and gutteral noises in Daredevil…it appears Mr. D’Onofrio has been typecast as a freakin’ box of chocolates where every role he gets is freakin’ bizarre-o. And for that, Mr. D’Onofrio, for helping make some of the things we love that much more awesome, we love you. And we thank you.

xo