Trust Issues

Do you reevaluate things? I mean relationships, friendships, situations, and whatever else you know you should. I was having a conversation with my friend and she said: “you don’t give people the chance to be there for you, you don’t give people the opportunity. You want to be there for others but you don’t want people to be there for you”. Immediately I became defensive and told her it wasn’t true. I was hurt by what she said.

I reevaluated our chat, our friendship, and my relationships with other individuals in my life a few days later. Self-awareness is the ability to look at your life objectively, without regard for whether it is good or terrible, right or wrong. At the time, all I wanted to do was prove my friend wrong. But I knew she was right deep down. I’ve always been quite self-reliant since I can remember. I didn’t get anything for free; I had to work very hard for all I have now. When I was a child and experienced difficulties or was in an unpleasant circumstance, I dealt with it on my own without telling anyone or asking for assistance.

I despised it when individuals took advantage of me or talked to other people about my business the few times I trusted them, and I still do. Please keep it to yourself if I confide in you and I’m vulnerable. When I sought aid from others, they would often respond with words of encouragement rather than solutions. I’ve been told “NO” so many times that it’s become the response I expect whenever I’m brave enough to ask for help. I learned to rely on myself.

I’m not a very trusting person, I rarely let anyone in. I’ve learned to mend myself by being alone. I recognized that no one would come to my rescue and that I would have to tend to my wounds on my own. I needed to recuperate and become self-sufficient. I didn’t know how to accept support or help. “Everyone is saving themselves, so save yourself as well,” I’d remind myself. I used to think that if someone offered to help me, it wasn’t real and that they had ulterior motivations. I felt unworthy of pure, unadulterated love and companionship. If someone did me a favor, I would feel obligated to repay them and do my best to repay them.

I didn’t just do this to individuals; I also did it to God. “Do not be confident in your talents or believe you can figure everything out on your own,” he once advised me. Don’t become so self-reliant that you lose sight of your source.” The truth is that my fear of being betrayed if I opened up outweighed my desire for assistance. I’d rather do it myself than allow someone to take advantage of my fragility or cause me grief, but this is not a healthy way to live.

Sometimes people just want the easier choice. They don’t want someone that will show them the reflection of their insecurities, that will push them to grow outside themselves. They are not willing to share, they aren’t prepared for the pain that may come with it so they opt for the easier choice. They choose complacency, they settle in the safety zone. This was me, it still happens sometimes but the good news is I am aware of my insecurities and I’m working on them intentionally. If you are like me, I hope you reevaluate your relationships, your friendship, your “REASON” (find out if it stems from insecurities, past hurt, traumatic experiences, etc.), and whatever else you know you should. I can’t guarantee that all the people you meet will be good, guard your heart and be discerning but allow yourself to also receive love and kindness. You can’t do it on your own. Ask for help if you’re in desperate need of it, even if you’re not, LOL. It’s a big deal for me to ask for help, but I’m sharing this with you so we can do it together. We are breaking the shackles that bond us, we are making deliberate efforts to heal from our past hurts, and we are evolving and becoming the best versions of ourselves.