It’s great that you’ve found someone like that, it really is. I thought I had my own, but I suppose it was not to be. Ryan Ong, Natalie, one by one, they eventually drift away and find someone else.
I’m used to loneliness, but sometimes it still finds a way to drill a hole through me, compounding how utterly alone I am in this world. Maybe there are the fleeting companions, there for a few laughs and insults and there’s that. But there hasn’t really been anyone I could tell anything and everything to. Maybe Ron could be one, maybe Yong Han, maybe Ryan again. I don’t know, but over time I’ve gradually shut myself out and kept whatever I wanted to say and feel hidden away, even from myself. I became taciturn about my thoughts, ignorant of my feelings, casting a mask to it all, and slowly the mask became me.
I don’t click with just anyone, it doesn’t just work like that, putting me with someone for hours probably won’t get anywhere. If I like you, I like you, if I don’t, I don’t.
Maybe that’s why when I first talked to Ms. Choy, something ticked. Not immediately, but slowly and persistently, something worked out and everything just came out of me, word by word. But I haven’t been able to tell her everything, I’m not sure if I even know everything that’s wrong with me. Maybe with time, when I talk to her again, things will fall into order once more and I might find the words to my thoughts. Or maybe I can never find the courage to tell her about my teenage immature thoughts and ideas.
I don’t know how long it’s been but I haven’t found someone like that in a long time. Maybe strange as it sounds, Ms. Choy is the one. But only time can tell, it’s eventually just one big question. But I suppose I’d like it if it was her, I feel comfortable talking to her about things that I never knew I could talk about. Talking to her just lets everything out and I feel at ease, no matter what’s coming out of my mouth. But all in all, she listens and she cares. Perhaps it’s just because she’s an adult, a teacher. But I don’t think I care, I need a listening ear and someone I could tell almost everything to, and she’s one to me.
But it’s eventually just one big question. And I hope I find the answer soon, in whatever way it comes.