the natalie issue/continuity
whatever’s written below is from my perspective and probably in no way represents what you feel, unless of course, we are somehow linked in ways inexplicable.
I won’t bother recounting here. The past is the past, and I don’t see a point dwelling too much in it. I’ve dwelled, thought, and over-thought about it time and time again over. No more.
This is … different, I suppose.
Things have a roller coaster. I think that’s a right statement, short and apt. But halfway through this roller coaster, I think I stopped caring. I detached myself from it — body intact, mind apart. Comfortably numb, I was. Perhaps you could say that in some ways, I perceived our friendship as over there and then. Maybe I did, probably, but partially. Externally and most probably, I had given up on a chance of us re-enkindling our friendship again. But I was (and am) open to it forming again.
But that doesn’t detract from the fact that I was succeeding in living (not surviving) without you, and am. I used to like you, and you know. But surprisingly, I was able to forget all that. And everything else in between. Seeing you and recognising fragments of you no longer sent waves of emotions through my mind, my mind was a complete blank; my emotions towards you were missing (read hidden) and it was that way. Ever so apparent every Thursday, up to the midpoint of the 5th of February lessons.
The ever so thin and inconspicuous wall inevitably built up between me and you collapsed. No, I think melted away would be a better description. Not that it had any immediate effect on me, but eventually it did, and I felt a much happier person than I was before then. But of course this excess of happiness is fleeting. Fleeting but substantial, I should say, since I now feel that my life is coming into one full circle, inch by inch.
All this is meant to show that most probably and close to definitely, I can and was living without you. I went on fine, and I wasn’t adversely affected as you had feared me to be in the early stages. In other words, I didn’t care. To put it roughly. But if you were to and are to come back into my life again, it would be so much better. That would almost be a guarantee. A surplus would be a very rough way to put this, but very basically this is, isn’t it?
I’m seeing you again tomorrow. Hopefully, no not say hopefully, but maybe we’ll talk to each other again, and more. Things have changed since the last time we did, proper. My life may have taken a complete overhaul, or subtle changes here and there. It’s all the same thing anyway. Perhaps I’ll have lots to say, perhaps it’ll be a new start. I don’t know. You said you’ve been trying to talk to me the past few times. Maybe I have been too. Maybe I had been too.
Maybe we were both singular lumps of rocks, orbiting around the same gravity, but taciturn, reticent, passing by each other with restraint and confusion. Both wanting, but not quite daring. But we still travel in this same orbit.
Maybe we truly are linked in inexplicable ways.