“I am sorry but I am selfish.” The story of depression…

…and finding joy

Opetunde Adepoju
Jul 23, 2017 · 5 min read

For a long time, I have tried to disconnect myself from the truth about me but I have come to realize that the more I deny the truth, the more my problems increase and the higher the depression I face. Before I continue, I need to tell you this truth — I am a selfish pretender.

Now before you turn to McJudgerson and say “I knew it”, you need to make sure you are not pot calling kettle black because you are just as I am and I will prove it to you.

Answer these questions sincerely…

  • How do you feel when you put up a post on social media expecting it to have at least 100 likes, hearts and wows but then after you did put it up, you got only 15 likes? Do you feel sad, depressed and ridiculed?
  • When you expect someone (your crush, maybe) to like your post and they don’t, but then you discover that they did not just like your friend’s post, they “hearted” it, do you not sometimes feel resentful?
  • Why do you go to work early and leave very late, and then come on Saturdays again? It is not that those extra hours you work for make you more productive oh, and it is not that you have a huge load of work to do oh. Is it not for your boss’ praise?
  • Why do you feel you don’t deserve something you consider bad but then when the same thing happens to your neighbor (who is not your friend or who is even your friend sef) you are indifferent about it? As long as it does not affect you directly, you are not bothered. If it could happen to them, then why can it not happen to you really?
  • Sincerely check. Why do you post pictures of you in Canada today, Australia tomorrow, Dubai the next week on Social media? (please don’t scam me with your “I am building a personal brand on Social media” story jhor).

If you answered these questions with all sincerity, you would find out just the way I did that most of your intentions are based on selfish reasons. But come to think of it, why? Why do we stress ourselves too much to get the praise of people? We have so much attached our joy, worth, value and happiness with what people think of us and it has pushed us so much that we pretend to be who we are not.

I remember working at a company this time last year and reflecting back, I feel some regret. I remember doing everything possible to get the attention of my bosses. Sending them useless and meaningless ideas, leaving the work late and coming on Saturdays just because I wanted them to know that “this girl is smart and hardworking” and oh boy! my bosses were good game players. They knew I was pretending yet they just flowed with the game. Reflecting back on my time there, I feel like I cheated them by collecting their salary because all I did there was eye service with no productivity. Why was I doing that? Because I was selfish. There was something in me that longed for people’s attention and praise. My happiness and value were tied to people’s perception about me and if they did not give me what I wanted, I ran into depression — the product of selfishness. Sometimes I feel like returning the salary sef.. lol..

Research has shown that depression is the leading cause of disability. What causes depression? Selfishness. You want people, life, God (if you believe in him) and everything to work the way you want. If it does not, you feel resentful, disappointed, betrayed, annoyed and then depressed. A little discomfort makes you want to throw tantrums. Oh puhleeze! this is so much work you give to yourself and you are wasting too much energy over expecting happiness from the wrong source. Truth is, everything in life cannot (and will not) work as you want it to. So you better find a more sustainable way to getting happiness.

I want to show you the solutions I discovered…

  1. I realized that my worth, value, happiness and joy should not be dependent on what happens to me or what people think of me.

2. I have settled it in my mind that trials and tribulations will come my way. I am not being pessimistic here, this is reality. Sometimes along life’s journey, I will face betrayal, criticism, rejection, lose a loved one, go broke and other bad things you can think of. So I have prepared my mind to remain joyful despite all of these situations. I cannot control what life offers me, but I can control my reaction to what it offers.

3. Lastly, I have found my worth in a reliable and constant source — God. My worth is not in how many cars, shoes, likes on social media, followers on Instagram that I have because these things are subject to change (many people who have these things are not even happy). It should not even be found in my loved one because they change too, not to mention the fact that I don’t even believe in this “I cannot live without you” expression. Well, that’s a story for another day…

So now, I do not need to pretend to be who I am not because whether you like me or not or whether you like my post or not does not remove an inch from the value God has placed on me and the worth I find in myself. My joy is in God. I am now free from this heartache I get as a result of trying to please others. It is the greatest freedom I have given to myself in a long while. I have the right to be joyful and happy regardless of anything that goes on around me, and so do you.


Thanks to Chude Jidenowo who walked me through my journey to freedom and joy!

Opetunde Adepoju

Written by

Data science | Machine learning | Natural Language processing | Computer vision

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