I have been battling with myself on how to write these words. I blame the lack of posting on fear.

In my first post, “I have so much to say…” I talked about how I fear success. I was referring to the level of success that I know I can reach. I wasn’t talking about success within itself. Over the past month, I began looking at this fear at a different angle. Success usually brings some type of prestige or fame. Fame places you on a pedestal and this is where opinions begin to generate. Being an extremely private individual, this profound realization forced me to look at success as some sort of malediction. I do not feel there is anything wrong with an opinion. Moreless, I feel like opinions are greatly beneficial when they’re invited.

I hate an uninvited opinion. While I’m sure many can agree and relate to such reasoning, I also see that as an issue. We may need to hear things some times that we rather not. The hard part is deciphering what opinion is beneficial and which opinion is insecure (hateful). Nonetheless, I am the receiver of this spoken thought and I have a choice. Simply, I can accept it or reject it. I don’t have to accept it as truth but I can accept the human capability of formulating an opinion. After all, we do not see ourselves and usually people can spot changes in us before we notice them ourselves. The choice is mine to make.

I finally made a choice. I HAVE to start taking life more serious. I HAVE and I owe it to myself to TAKE CONTROL. When much is given to you at ease, whether it comes from above, others or from yourself an attitude develops. This attitude is invincible, narcissistic and transparent. I feel like I’ve been living in a dream world. Granted, I’m a creative so I have a HUGE imagination but living in a mental space of constant desire can stunt personal growth. I feel numb. I feel like I have pint up emotions that need to be recognized, gave attention to and released. One reason I love fashion is because fashion covers up one’s insecurities. Fashion is a tangible art form of self expression. You can blur the lines of acceptance of one’s opinion by what you are wearing. I’m starting to see the connection.

I recently deleted access to a social network. I’m at a certain stage in life where I don’t need to hear about what everyone else is doing and their success story. Obviously, if you focus on what someone else is doing, your hindering your own success story. I need to focus me and my priorities. No, I don’t want to focus on me in a selfish way. I just want to take care of home in ways that I’m not.

I’ve broken my back for others, sacrificed years of geniune concern for quite a few people and all I end up with is enemies or backstabbers in the camp. Now that is something I don’t get. I came up with a phrase, “social cleansing.” I’m on the brink of one of the biggest social cleansing in my personal history. I always said that time heals and I’m definitely scabbing. I feel a transition and I most definitely feel my strength returning to me in way I haven’t felt in sooo long. It feels good! It’s time to honestly and prayerfully stop focusing on other people for inspiration. It’s just time for me to implement all of the built up years of inspiration and be inspired of whatever comes natural.

It’s time for me to have my own back. I have to! I deserve it!

I just want to be the BEST me.

This one is for me. Finally.