Cheating, Moving Out, Condolences, and Start Over.

I was listening to music in my desk, chilling after finishing my writing for the day. For a moment, the music from 65daysofstatic makes me easily loosen my mind after there’s a lot happening.

My latest 4–5 months have been rough, sweet, dark, thorny, spicy, cool, and more descriptive words that I can’t summarize. It’s started with me cheating on my 2 years girlfriend.

It was the most bad decision on my life.

Started from the boredom of what I have and what I always did in my time, I swipe around tinder for fun (at first). Then it happened, I met this girl, we had lunch, send messages back and forth, talk about music over night, watch a movie (Wonder Woman, at that time), and do a karaoke night together.

Myself, as a bored man with his girlfriend at that times, decided to take another step with the girl I’ve been cheated to. It was more than meet the lips.

Everytime I met her, I trembled, my adrenaline rush already outnumbered my brain chemicals to thinking clearly.

It was the most thrilling one month in my life. Because that conversation, body language, eye-glazing, hug and kisses, I snatched from a woman that I should not have approached.

Then, one night, exactly on the girl birthday.

My girlfriend knocks on my door..

Found me with her, at the worst time you can imagine.

Drunk, I just remember a few words I said to her, I defend my position with the woman I’ve been dating in the last month, not my girlfriend. I’m already the worst person from the start. Now I’m more worst than people you know.

Oh, I think I have more if you already think I’m the worst.

I said “I need a good sex!” after she came back to her place.
What a dick I am.

After that night, I still keep in contact the woman I’ve dated.
What a dick I am.

The whole time, money, feelings I spent with my girlfriend, became a dust and the past that I never want to revisit again because I’m afraid. I’m too scared after wrecking our relationship, her feelings, our investment together.

So I spent myself in the room, mostly reading articles about how to accepting yourself as a bad person. But once again, I’m too scared.

A few days later, a voice, my own voice but with a different attitude, suddenly came into my head and ordered me to meet with my girlfriend again, then burn myself after tell her “I’m sorry.”

I’m not insane, it’s just a suggestion from myself for what I think I deserve.
I’m ready to do the whole thing.

But she —my girlfriend, of all the people I hurt before and didn’t know that I already want to end it all — Insisted me to stay at her place over night. Sleep in her other bed. Of course after slapped several times and scolded me wholeheartedly.

On the morning, I still woke up trembling and get ready to start the day as usual, only with her saying “Go get a breakfast and don’t forget to fix it all. Other than that, have a great day!”

I was frozen.

Then, I got home early. Crying like a little bitch on the train.

Soon after that accident with my girlfriend and the woman I’ve been dated, I was kicked out from the house because my roommates said (I’m paraphrasing)

“You’re the lowest of lowest worst person I knew!”

I ended staying there for one more month, because I’m confused looking for a place to stay. I already drained my savings and returns the money that my girlfriend is entitled to (we have joint savings). But the whole month, despite the atmosphere is keep getting worse because I feel like invisible man in the house, I feel weirdly blessed because she still stay with me.

She still stays, to tell me that I’m wrong, and I have to fix it all.

Of course, i have to fix it all with all my might. I had to learn the hard way that relationship isn’t just about the two people having goals together. From her, I learn to fix things and give more effort to whatever good things you do.

Although I know recovering from being cheated isn’t easy, but she still gives me chance.

We spent that one month to start from scratch. We break down every date we should have before we can go ahead. Have dinner together, watch some movies (our pick: Edgar Wright’s Cornetto trilogy), and a weekend getaway to Bandung which we experience new stuff together.

Some nights, I woke up and have a conversation with myself and the voice would suggest to leave her and do horrible stuff. Some nights, I woke up and crying because I feel lonely without anyone. I know the impacts aren’t just for me, but anyone around me also felt disgusted about what I did. Until now, the voice occasionally greeted me to speak about things.

The day before I move out from that house, my dad suddenly sent me a chat while I’m writing an article on my work. He told me that my uncle, my favorite uncle that lives near me (South Jakarta), died at his home.

I delayed the whole moving out and rushing to my uncle’s house after asking permission to my boss to go home quickly. My girlfriend offered herself to come along, I’m glad she did.

A person that I adore, a person who’s chill enough to dodge a family drama, a family man that dedicated his life to the country, a man that helps people in need, a person who make me happy every time I’m going to Jakarta in my elementary school holiday, is no longer there.

I’m bad at expressing my feelings. The whole time I just standing, sitting, and do nothing at my uncle’s house, I can’t speak a lot and I don’t know why.

Late night after we come back, I’m ready to write a condolences tweet to my uncle, then I broke up in tears and trembling so bad. I’m so, so sorry pak dhe, that I didn’t take a chance to meet you after I move.

Good bye, pak Dhe.

Now I’m in my new place. A narrow room filled with furnitures that I bought with my girlfriend, a tiny used foam-bed, and cabinets full of books that I read to relieve stress.

We agreed to start all over again.
I’m happy enough with it.

I really wish I have many people that would spend time with me just to talk or share anything. I know I’m horrible person after all that, even some still talk about it online. It’s okay. It’s always okay to tell the internet. Although some people said they’ll be there for me, they aren’t there while I need them the most.

It’s not like “New Year, New Me!” or “Let’s start a new page of our journey together!”

Never like that.

Every day, she’s there. She’s just there, despite anything that happens to us. She always sees through my eyes and said “You know.. Here (Jakarta), you don’t have anyone. You just have me.”

That’s the whole truth about my life. I — after all the commotion, accident, fuss I’ve been made and sometimes having conversations with my own thoughts — am lonely without her.

she was exhausted from the weekend getaway.

I’m thankful that I get the chance.
Don’t waste good people around you.
Just, be kind.

For some people who talk through the hardest time of my life, thanks, for providing shelter for me.

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