Resigned, Refresh, and Throw the Resolutions

Me, surrounded by people that I admire

On several days between Christmas and new year, I often spend my own time alone. Consequently, I often reflect myself on what I’ve got in the past year — remember, what I get, not what I did.

This particular year is a very confusing, either because of what I get or what I do not get. This year is like a thrilling roller coaster in Universal Studios that has me shout “FUCK!” for minutes and then excitedly grinning afterwards. This year made my adrenaline flowing like taking a pee after 5 bottles of cheap beer. Worry not, I’m still intact because there are rules and safety belts that keep me seated in place.

Initially, I’m not sure I will pass every year alive and kicking — believe me, every late December is the time when I always feel depressed and stressed out of solitude.

No, it does not mean I do not have lovers, family, and friends I can talk to, I just feel that I’m always less and less than what I did every year. It made me struggle and think, following by deciding not to hustle on everything I should do — oh, how I hate word ‘hustle’ so fucking much.

Now, talking about how I ditched resolutions

Next year, I’m sure that people still making their resolutions and eventually break them. Not that I’m pessimist or such, but every people with resolutions is just wishing — try resolving, break things that make you learn something.

I read that a resolution is something you make; resolve is something you have. I think the distinction is important for people like me.

I want to resolve many things that problematic on a personal level. There’s anxiety that I must overcome, every day. And there’s another speech impediment that makes me further than what I was before. Sure, this isn’t easy to resolve, but there is one person who always supporting me to strike further and higher (even though I’m stuck on this 165cm height).

My resignation

This December, I resigned from my full-time job as a social media analyst and content writer. I feel this is the right thing to do after I can’t enjoy my weekend without writing anymore.

I actually love the job so much because it has my attention and keeps me curious all time. But, at one time I really can’t enjoy what I do because I establish forced habit to myself and ended really hating what I can’t accomplish with my writing.

Alas, I can’t accept myself that bring poor writing quality and seeking to find my pleasure between each writing agenda is very distracting.

For over a year, working and surrounded by creative people makes my eyes go wider, especially about how we should respect each other’s work. There’s a special moment when we (me and coworkers) spending lunchtime with out-of-the-job chats that are also able to take me to see things with new angles every day. Some things that were foreign to my ear, begin to become new knowledge that underlies my curiosity further.

In addition to my pleasure, working in a digital agency company teach me the importance of not saying “I can’t” but rather “How can I make this thing?” with experiments, some make it or break it moments to bring something new on the table.

Oh, how I’ll miss the open minded-ness of these lovely people.

Despite the constant flaws of what I do, there are things that can make me want to keep going every year.

Last year, I decided to stay alive because I had a fun, interesting job, and a chance to start living in a relatively new place. Next year, I want to solve the personal obstacles as I have mentioned above. More over, I want to feel a lot of things, go to many places, use my skills for people who need it, and spending the time to appreciate the work of others.

The fact that I don’t even celebrating Christmas but writing this pieces on 25th December with festive feelings is intriguing.

Hope you’re well.