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Porn Tells Us How to Have Sex, And This is Killing Love

The industry defines intimacy, sex, and marriage. This together with lack of meaningful sex-ed lessons in schools are slowly destroying love and killing relationships.


“Let go of me, I don’t feel comfortable doing that” she exclaimed angrily.

“Why are you so angry with me!” he exclaimed.

“You are sick. You are a pervert. You expect me to do bizarre stuff all the time. This is unreal. This is not love. You don’t love me Ryan, you love porn” she exclaimed out loud.

Ryan was a caring, charming, funny, loving boyfriend. He met Ashley three years ago. They hit it off immediately and relatively quickly became a couple and started living together. Their sex wasn’t the best but Ashley was optimistic about what the future would hold — although there weren’t any indications that the situation was going to improve at any time. All that hope even fell-off a year after, when she noticed how his sex drive gradually decreased, and that he wasn’t even interested in sleeping with her anymore. Then, she became suspicious and thought he was cheating on her. She even thought he was gay and was hiding his true sexual orientation. But nothing could’ve been further from what she discovered. When she found out about Ryan’s dirty, shameful secret. Ashley felt betrayed. Angry. She even wished he would’ve cheated on her, even though he never physically did it, but for her, it felt like it.

All of the sudden everything made sense, the low libido. The kinky behavior in bed. The choking, the aggression, and the later erectile issues. For the past three years that they’ve been together, he turned into a completely different guy. Ryan was addicted to porn. When she confronted him about his sexual antics on the internet he said he was going to change, that “he didn’t need anyone but her, that it won’t happen again”. But sadly for Ryan, he was unable to curtail his porn habit. He got lost in this never-ending hall of mirrors reflected with distorted fantasies from every possible angle. Ashley couldn’t believe how she, an attractive, intelligent, sensual, sexy — but most importantly — available gal wasn’t enough to satisfy her boyfriend’s sexual needs. She wasn’t “enough” for him. He preferred getting off to a virtual fantasy than to the flesh and blood version who was interested in him. Ryan’s full-blown porn habit ended the relationship, and unfortunately, killed their love.


What wаs once considered а top-shelf guilty secret hаs turned into а mаinstreаm culturаl hаbit with аccess for аll, at the touch of a button, and with the popularization of smartphones available at our fingertips at all times swiftly and privately. Porn not only offers us entertainment in the form of explicit content it also shapes the way we behave in bed, defines sex and worst of all it acts as a new channel through which young people learn about sex and intimacy while at the same time they are telling us that it is liberating.

We are currently living in a society where pornography acts as our de facto sex educator merely used as if it was an instruction manual. This is mainly due to the fact that sex education in schools — in some even non-existent — both in developed and developing countries usually don’t fill the gaps when it comes to porn, sexual consent, and relationships, only focusing on the biological mechanical parts of the sex.

A survey carried last year in the UK among British adults found that online pornography, sexting, abuse, and violence are topics that they said should be tackled in class. It’s imperative that governments ensure that sex-ed goes beyond biology. This will prevent sexually transmitted diseases and sexual aggressions, not only in schools but altogether in society.

Porn represents a wide cultural influence we can no longer ignore. The industry skews our perceptions about sexuality, intimacy, and marriage, ultimately distorting our reality which damages the way we love and how we perceive sex and relationships. Just like advertising, sex shown in pornographic films isn’t real. It’s an imposed fantasy, an illusion. In the real world: penises come in different sizes and shapes — this also applies to body types — erections don’t last for impossible amounts of time, people have unshaved pubic hair, sex isn’t hard, painful and quick — at least not all the time.

Real life sexual experiences happen in a social context. Sexual engagement can be incredibly complex since it’s a form of human communication and interaction. We can’t expect adult film studios to understand in a vacuum such an intricate human concept.

A growing body of evidence suggests that most of the time porn portrays a toxic version of what natural sex should look like. An unequal sexist version fabricated typically for men, and on top of it, the industry dictates what’s appealing and what should be considered sexy and what not in bed. Pornography eroticizes and normalizes violence in the form of kink and fetish, but also through aggression and control. This is dangerous since the only sex education some individuals have gotten entirely comes from the industry itself. We are in front of a huge sex social epidemic when the twisted unrealistic fantasies shown in adult content become a reality, this hugely contributes to a mainstream idea that violence in sex — usually against women — should be tolerated and desirable, but also enhances a culture of harassment which in the past year has had an incredible fallout.

“Most commercial, mainstream pornography presents women in very narrow and callous and hostile ways.” — Michael Flood, Sociologist

The porn that is being produced and sold to us is full of ideas and beliefs that are completely distorted, and that are in fact, opposite of what real sex, love, and relationships are like. Loving-healthy relationships are built on respect, equality, honesty. But in porn, this is quite the contrary, there, love and sex are based on domination, control, disrespect, and violence. Sweet, affectionate, caring interaction doesn’t sell, but degradation and abuse do. And there’s something deeply disturbing and concerning about an industry who profits from that.

A recent study has found that the 50 most popular pornographic videos had a staggering 88% of scenes that included physical aggression, 48% of scenes included verbal aggression as well. The researchers observed a total of 3,376 aggressive acts, including gagging in 54% of scenes, choking in 27% of scenes and spanking in 75% of scenes where most of the violence featured was largely towards women and girls.

Surprisingly, porn even damages our marriages and relationships. Research has shown that married couples who start watching porn are twice more likely to divorce than those who don’t. For women, it’s even worse, the chance of a woman splitting is three times as likely if they watch it alone according to the American Sociological Association.

Nowadays, more men and women have the constant extreme habit of seeking an external sustained feeling of pleasure and reward, we do it with social media, alcohol, gambling, and sex it’s also part of this dopamine equation, this ultimately supersedes aspects of our functioning lives and relationships.

Research suggests that porn triggers a neurological response that impacts intrinsic feelings of pleasure and reward subsequently distorting and damaging the brain. In addition, pornography hijacks the proper functioning of the brain and has a long-lasting effect on the consumer’s lives and thoughts. All of this is particularly harmful to those people prone to problematic and addictive behaviors.

“Pornography is pornography, what is there to see? Movies are attempting to destroy something that’s supposed to be the most beautiful thing a man and a woman can have by making it cheap and common. It’s what you don’t see that’s attractive.” — Nancy Reagan

Porn film studios frequently coerced performers — usually women — into rough-violent scenes they previously hadn’t agreed upon. Several advocates argue that the problem goes even further stating that these nasty practices fuel human trafficking.

Solutions do exist. For starters, porn companies can produce movies with realistic sexual content that can be used constructively as an educational tool. As consumers, this is a societal problem that should concern us all. It seems sometimes that we are powerless when it comes to big consolidated companies, like the porn industry. But in order to bring change, we need to tackle these issues by making more informed decisions about factors that damage the way we behave sexually.

We also, as adults must hold adult companies accountable for unfair representations of gender, sex, power and aggression, and to work along with young people to aspire to relationships and sexuality that in the end are respectful, loving, mutually nurturing and fully consenting. Online communities like NoFap on Reddit are helping young men and women with their porn habit addictions and are making a lot of progress in the past 7 years. For some members the forum it is a means to address concerns with their adult content consumption, while others see it as a means to healthier relationships.

Powerful companies like Pornhub could, for example, address social needs as part of their core business and try to produce or host more realistic kinds of content as a way to help sexual literacy. Policymakers and educators should work along with adult content providers and companies on how they can use their platforms to communicate a more comprehensive sexual experience for their users, especially young uneducated ones. This is a more integral and effective way of making social change.

Governments should examine the influences of porn, and come up with plans to promote respectful, equal and pleasurable roles for all genders, taking an inclusive approach that comprises the realities of sex, pleasure, and gender issues. Simultaneously, sex education should be compulsory in all schools and as Conservative MP Maria Miller told The BBC “Parents and children know they need help and that is why I want compulsory lessons at school to help children better understand the signs of an abusive relationship, issues such as consent, and the harm that is done by sexting and underage viewing of pornography. Better relationship education can help children handle these pressures better.”

We urgently need to spark the conversation about sex, love and intimacy in our society, so big porn companies won’t have to do it for us.

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