Five.

The mark of a limp heart at my doorstep
Now I’m angry, hurt, bitter and restless
He had placed five fish on a platter
Now I’m five fish less
With a dagger in my chest
And my heart in my mouth instead
Yes.
He fed me my heart
As he sat comfortably on that fence
Five seconds of summer
Turned Russian winter
The switch up was too intense
I guess this is what transition feels like
A hike on rocky mountains
With threats...of a blizzard to throw you off balance
A silence that masks the pain
A laughter that masks the shame
A cry out that bounces off my room walls
Back into my mouth
A masquerade ball of emotions
That peak and trough like exchange rates
Opening up the flood gates of cold-heartedness
I dip my foot into the shallow end
And pretend for five minutes that I could
Have a heart of stone
That I could sink into those waters
That wash away feelings:
Butterflies fluttering from the first time he said he’s not going anywhere
To the stomach churning of him leaving like the rest

Five hours after mourning...

I fall on my knees and pray:
Lord,
Give me a new heart
Refresh my spirit
Remove this heart of stone
And give me back my heart of flesh

(Ezekiel 36:26)

For I know my path lies deep in my compassion
And I cannot walk on it from a place where my heart has hardened

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