Life With a Pinch of Anxiety
To an extent, we all suffer from anxiety. The difference lies in that some super humans have the ability to suppress the paranoia and the images of worst-case scenario events projecting onto the back of their eyelids. While others have trouble discarding the unceasing sensation of impending doom looming over the horizon.
When you ride your bike, for instance, and you can’t help but picture car doors opening and thrusting you across the street. Or maybe you’re going to unexpectedly lose control of the bike and end up with your head under a car tire. If either case is true, then, my dear friend, you probably live with just a pinch of anxiety. You have a lovely imagination though, there’s no denying that.
Issues arise, however, when these same negative expectations slither themselves into your relationships. Just like that bitch Jessica slithered herself under your man. Although to be fair, that didn’t really happen, but it might. You’ve already seen the scenario play out in your head a thousand times. It would make for a great porno, if the man in the scene weren’t your five-year-long boyfriend.
Living with anxiety is not fun. Instead, it’s synonymous with panic attacks on airplanes, bikes, cars, taxis, buses, boats, sidewalks. Sometimes it’s you shutting your mouth during dinner because something is off. Someone said a comment and you can’t decide whether its passive aggressive or not. If it is, then you’d be feisty. If it’s not, then you’d be charming. But maybe you just interpreted it the wrong way, because hello, anxiety. So then fuck it, might as well keep quiet.
You’re stuck with your heart in the pit of your stomach all day, everyday.
You can’t even smoke weed, because that would just make matters worse. “It’ll calm you down” they said. Well, it doesn’t. It makes you feel like all eyes are on you, like the world is falling apart with every breath you take, and of course, you have a trickling sensation between your legs deceiving you into believing that you peed your pants. How does Snoop Dogg do this on a daily? There’s a skill we all should admire.
Sometimes anxiety hits when you least expect it. Like when you go window shopping. You are casually walking down the street, browsing the lovely dresses silhouetting the mannequins, when suddenly this unnerving urge to speed walk and get the shopping over with overpowers you. It fills your chest, enhances your senses, and turns your stomach upside down. Why are you here? How much are you going to spend? Do you plan to tell your parents? How will they react?
And other times, this horrible feeling makes you lose focus. There’s so much to do, you can’t possibly be dealing with just one task at a time. So, in the end, you end up not doing any of it. This particularly pisses off friends, who keep complaining of your inability to answer messages. Well, I’d rather not answer them than end up being hospitalized because I over-saturated my mind with the constant: “Look at the phone” reminder. Did you look at it? Maybe Cristina’s asking where we’re going tonight. Check it again, we don’t want to piss anyone off.
It’s not that you lack confidence, the issue lies in that you lack confidence in others. You might believe you’re an angel specifically chosen by God to descend among humans and teach them how to make it to heaven. But even then, anxiety has you thinking humans are evil and will only strip you from your beauty and laugh at your miracles. Not in the I-don’t-believe-in-humanity kind of way but more in the sense of my-luck-sucks-and-I’m-bound-to-find-all-the-assholes line of thought.
There is a way to cope with anxiety. Or at least, there should be. Don’t look at me for suggestions, I’m still trying to get my heart rate back to normal from this morning, when I had to shake hands with my boss.
Anxiety sucks. But at the end of the day, it’s an emotion. We create our emotions, and therefore, I am assuming we can suppress them. Or at least, we can avoid them from taking over our lives. For fucks sake, just while writing this I had to stop five times to smoke a cigarette.
My point is, it’s a thing. Anxiety? It’s there. In all of us. Sometimes its stronger and more mind-altering for some people rather than for others. But don’t let it get to you, it’ll eat you up and keep you from being that incredible person you know you are.