The Inaugural Address of Donald Trump

You never know what you’ll find on the streets of Manhattan, especially after a snowstorm, with garbage flying all around. Consider the following, which I found floating down Fifth Avenue near the corner of East 56th. It seems to be the first couple pages of …

The Inaugural Address of the Honorable Donald J. Trump

45th President of ‘Murica

Friday, January 20, 2017

[Voiceover/Michael Buffer: “Let’s get ready to RUMBLE!”]

Wow. Thank you, Michael. Hearing that always gives me chills. Especially today. And not because it’s 15 degrees out here. So much for global warming, right?

And thank you, your Holiness! All the way from Rome, ladies and gentlemen! Please give him a hand. I see you’re still getting around in that little Fiat. I have to say, I know ‘vow of poverty’ and all that, but c’mon! You could class it up a bit. I’m sure the flock will cut you some slack.

But I do appreciate being sworn in on that fantastic Bible you brought along, which I believe is the actual one Jesus wrote Himself. Who knew? I thought He was just a carpenter. That man could write! Not like those losers in the press pen, over there at the other end of the Mall. [shouting into the distance] No hard feelings, guys, OK? I’ll see you in March. Maybe April.

And thank you for the gift of the Pieta, Holy Father. It will look very nice in the East Room. Or the Lincoln Bedroom. Melania and I haven’t decided yet, but it’s one terrific piece of marble, let me tell you. And so big….it’s — say it with me — huuuge!

Michelangelo really knocked himself out with that one. I understand he was paid 450 ducats to build it. Now that’s what I call a bargain! Pope, you’ve got some very tough negotiators at the Vatican. Maybe you can loan them to me for our trade negotiations with the Chinese.

What’s that, Holy Father? You say it was built in the 1490’s? Wow. It looks so new! So you’re telling me the Italians were building amazing works of art like that AND discovering America all at the same time? Now that’s what I call high-energy!

Jeb! could have learned something from that crowd. He’ll be at the Losers Inaugural Ball tonight. If you see him, be nice. He’s a little down. Like the rest of those clowns. I might stop by, I don’t know. It’s a very busy day.

Speaking of crowds, look at you! I have to say it again — huuuge! You are very lucky people. You won the lottery. And wasn’t that a tremendous idea! Puts a little dent in the national debt, let me tell you. And it means I’m surrounded by winners. Makes me feel right at home.

And to everyone watching at home - on pay-per-view, of course — let’s make America great again!

To tell you the truth, you already elected me, so by definition, America IS great again!

Wasn’t the music earlier terrific? That was the Distressed Nations Children’s Choir, with the best rendition I’ve ever heard of “Leavin’ on a Jet Plane.” What’s the word…poignant, right?

By the way, that’s exactly what those little rascals will be doing in about [looks at Rolex] two hours.

And take Pope Frankie and his posse with you, kids. We appreciate your presence, but you know what they say — absence makes the heart grow fonder! Those visas are like Snapchats, gone before you know it.


Now I know many people were surprised when I said after the election that I was going to keep my job running The Trump Organization.

Believe me, it was not an easy decision to make. But they need me. My kids, I love them, but they’re not quite ready to take over the business. And we employ tens of thousands of people around the world, tens of thousands! They depend on me.

So I have a responsibility to keep things going. There’s a lot happening right now, with many fine Trump projects around the world, and I can’t just up and leave. You wouldn’t want me to go bankrupt again, right? It doesn’t look good for your President to be in Chapter 11. The press — [shouting into the distance] losers! — they’d have a field day. Not good.

Besides, nowhere in the Constitution does it say that being President is a full time job. It says you can’t be a Canadian — am I right, Ted? — but it does not say you’ve got to punch the clock every day.

With what they pay, how could it be? C’mon. $400,000 a year? That’s not even enough to pay for the toilet paper in my fine hotels and world class apartment buildings.

But I promise you, I will be here when I’m needed. At least once a week. At least. Maybe two, when those morons in Congress are in session. Preferably not on Fridays, though. I make an exception today because, I know, it’s inauguration day. I had to show up.

But I like to keep my weekends intact, and working in DC on a Friday makes it very difficult to get back to New York in a timely manner. Even with that shuttle you call Air Force One. I’ve never been one for public transportation. And by the way, it’s a little shabby. A little worn out. Needs a total upgrade. Donald Jr., fixing up Air Force One is Job Number One for you.

And while we’re talking about my work schedule. August? As my friends in construction say, “Fuggeddaboudit.” Who wants to be in DC in August?

Believe me, you don’t want to see your President sweating on the job. It makes people nervous….