Being a loud black girl.
Almost a decade ago, seated in the passenger side of a car driven by an EU students driving around bustling Johannesburg, I was to learn a lesson I will never forget.
The memory aggravates me so much, and I will hold it as a reminder to myself about the reason why I need to speak up and out.
We were pulled over by the cops who proceeded to ask the driver for her documentation.
She showed them her driver’s licence, upon which she was asked for her passport.
She responded as anyone would:
I don’t make it a habit to carry my passport around, I leave it at home.
They let us off, as all was in order.
What came next is the punch in the gut which still bruises till today.
As we continued on our drive, she said:
Why would I carry my passport around with me? It’s worth more than one small African child.
I can quote it in my sleep exactly as she said it, so seared into my memory it is.
Friends, do you want to know what upsets me more?
The fact that I don’t even fully remember how I responded, most probably because it was merely a timid reprimand.
In those days you see, my fear of offending my white friends with my ‘black issues’ was strong. I am so ashamed to admit this, but I have to be honest and say it and own it: I was the stereotypical panderer who tried to relay every message in copious doses of sugar and love. And then wondered and worried afterwards about what they thought of me.
She then proceeded to try to back-track:
Actually what she meant was that the cost of replacement of her EU passport, should something happen to it, would be more than how much it would take to feed one African child.
Worse and worse.
Needless to say, our ‘friendship’ disintegrated shortly thereafter.
It is necessary to call family and friends out with regards to racism. Even if you don’t know how to help them do and become better.
It is actually their responsibility to figure that out. Help if you wish/want to/can. But ultimately if someone claims to want to be a better person, then they need to act on it.
I don’t have the manual on how best to ‘call people out.’ From personal experience I have ranged from calm and productive discussions, to unpleasant ones which resulted in me being blocked. No love lost. Not one lick.
Whenever I publish my pieces on racism/sexism, many times I don’t know if it touches anyone, or will have any effects at all. What I do know is that I am continuously working not to be that timid panderer seated beside a driver who thinks her passport is worth more than an ‘African child.’
I will not walk out of the situation feeling like I was the token black friend. You can choose not to respect me, but you will understand that it is not your right to impose your disrespect onto me.
I am truly sorry that I didn’t say more back then. I’m sorry I let my fears overcome me. I’m happy and thankful for the black women who speak up, in their lives, and on the internet. You teach and challenge and encourage me to grow. Ijeoma Oluo, Tremaine and Ezinne. And so many others.
And now I am truly happy to be a loud black girl.
