The First Step

Orlando Koh
Jul 10, 2017 · 2 min read

I want to be happy.

That has been my driving force for everything I have done over the past few years. It is a very unhealthy goal to work towards. I am painfully aware of that. I consider myself to be a clever person, but emotionally I am an absolute train wreck.

Instead of setting up measurable long term goals for myself, all I want is for myself to be happy. How naive of me to even think so.

Perhaps it is the sign of maturing, but it is difficult for me to complete anything I want to do. I am struggling to finish this even at this moment. Words came naturally to me as a child, when I was not nearly as emotional and self-conscious about myself and my surroundings.

As a child, I thought I would get everything I wanted as long as I did well in my studies. I am a book-smart person, so it was very easy and natural for me to perform well in school. My parents would be happy with my results and I would be rewarded, and that was the system I worked on. I was happy with that.

However, as I progress in life, things are no longer so simplistic. No longer do I feel rewarded simply doing well in my studies, no longer am I interested in being the best of the pack.

What use is there being the best, if what I do doesn’t bring me pleasure? What use is there working so hard, if what I do doesn’t make my heart beat with joy?

Eventually I start to judge my willingness to accomplish a task simply by how happy it makes me. Grades begin to fall, the discipline my parents have built up within me begin to fade. All I can think of is how to satisfy my everlasting thirst for happiness.

A thirst that cannot be truly quenched for as long as I don’t stop to look around me and make use of what I have been blessed with.

Instead of moping around and complaining about not having any joy in my life any longer, I am going to rediscover the passion I have lost to societal pressure and the internal strife of my early teenage years.

I am going to start writing again.

Orlando Koh

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Just a lost little INFP trying to restore his fading creativity.