Excerpt from the WhatsApp Conversations of Jared Kushner and the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammad bin Salman

Orli Matlow
Mar 22, 2018 · 2 min read

“Kushner has grown so close to the Saudi and Emirati crown princes that he has communicated with them directly using WhatsApp, a reasonably secure messaging app owned by Facebook and popular in the Middle East, according to a senior Western official and a source close to the Saudi royal family.” -The Intercept, 3/21/18

The bromance of the century.

JARED: The notorious MBS! My man!

MBS: Please don’t call me that. And sorry bro, but you can’t pull off “my man.”

JARED: My b. I’m just so excited to finally have a friend who gets what it’s like to be a prince.

MBS: You should come to our next prince meet up in Dubai. It’s always lit. Everyone’s super chill, especially Sheikh Mohammed Bin Zayed. You’d be surprised how much fun you can have without alcohol.

JARED: I’m so in.

MBS: So, about this thing with my cousins… you got that intel on which people in my family wouldn’t want to see me get my heir on?

JARED: Yup. Got it in the daily brief. I’ll Snapchat it to you.

MBS: Thanks. My username is FreshPrinceMBS.

JARED: Dope. You know, if you really want to take out your extended family, you should do what my dad did. Have you thought about soliciting a prostitute to seduce Mo bin Nayef and sending the tape to his wife?

MBS: Dude. We’re princes from the house of Saud. I don’t know what counts as a big deal with the Jews in Jersey, but prostitution scandals are for the minor leagues here.

JARED: Touché. Whatever you do, pretend that it’s to crack down on corruption. You know, “drain the swamp” and all that. The people won’t be able to fight you on it.

MBS: Well, they can’t fight me on anything really.

JARED: Damn. Jealous.

MBS: I’m thinking I’ll have the fam imprisoned in a fancy hotel to really fuck with their heads.

JARED: Woah, that’s dope. If you really want to torture them, put them up in a Trump hotel.

MBS: Lol savage.

JARED: Don’t tell the mrs. I said that!

MBS: Of course not, man. Bro code.

JARED: Kings before flings.

MBS: Crowns before gowns.

JARED: Gotta run, Skyping with the sheikh in a minute. Hitting him up with a great investment opportunity.

MBS: TTYL.

Orli Matlow

Written by

Comedian, writer, and comedy writer.

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