Why ‘Queer’ will Always be a ‘That’ Word for Me
Growing up, I was often called queer. Reclaiming the word was not something I had the power to do. Now? It’s not something I want to do.
One of my favorite literary quotes of all time comes from Game of Throne’s A Song of Fire and Ice.
I\It’s source? The great Tyrion Lannister, who like all great philosophers, his ideas are hard to put into practice.
Never forget what you are, the rest of the world will not. Wear it like armour and it can never be used to hurt you — Tyrion Lannister
Growing up in Catholic Ireland, queer was the term leveled against me for much of my life.
Queer was only five letters, but boy was it powerful. Being labelled as queer meant sudden, inevitable death in social circles at school. It implicated you into a lower standing, and was part and parcel with the bullying which haunted many LGBTQI students of my era.
In truth, none of us on the playground really knew what queer meant; only that it was something bad. Something less.
Being called queer meant you stood out, and at an age when fitting in to the mold was so important, who wanted to be different?
You try to brush it off, but the name sticks. Like quick sand, the more you try and shake it off the more stuck you become. When people see this, they’re encouraged to say it more.
Your discomfort is their ammunition.
It follows you for so long you begin to blame yourself; what was it that was making me queer? Was it my mannerisms? My voice? My height? How do I change it? Fix it?
It’s to no end that the self-esteem of LGBTQI people can be in tatters by the end of their education.
‘That’s internalized homophobia’ the dilemma of reclaiming that word
The Oxford English Dictionary defines queer as ‘an offensive word for a homosexual, especially a man, which is, however, also used by some homosexuals about themselves’.
Nowadays, at the grand age of 28, I find the word queer pops up very regularly across social media and celebrity news, but for different reasons.
The word, I am told, has been ‘reclaimed’.
It’s a process which has always struck me as bizarre, because I could not in good conscience separate my experiences of the word to it’s now re-imagined meaning.
For me, queer was a word that was barbed. It had thorns, grew arms and legs in the middle of the night which hooked into your mind.
But now, many of my friends use queer to identify major facets of their life; their aesthetic, personality or sexuality. And they are of my generation.
‘That’s internalized homophobia’ they would say of my discomfort.
‘Reclaiming the word takes away all it’s power’.
I wasn’t convinced. Tyrion was wrong. We can’t wear this as armour. It’s just…non-feasible.
The crux of the problem now is that for most of my life I was afraid of a five letter word. And now? I’m being patronized for not using it. And further made to feel like it’s victim.
Non-normative is a meaning I can get behind
I found myself re-exploring the word to find a reason, any reason, which made sense to me.
A new definition of queer I found states that;
‘queer became increasingly used to describe a broad spectrum of non-normative (i.e. anti-heteronormative and anti-homonormative) sexual and gender identities and politics.’
I fell further into the Wonderland of semantics, an am reading essays from both sides of the lexicon on the merits to the word queer.
I appreciate people use it as an umbrella term. I can also appreciate people use it because the word gay is a slur for them, or at least an uncomfortable one.
Part of opening up my experiences to that of others is taking into account where they are coming from, too. But throughout my self-exploration, it made me realise something.
There is nothing wrong with being upset by a five letter word. I am not a victim of it by admitting it’s insulting.
Moreso, there is nothing wrong with someone else feeling empowered by it’s use. Such is their choice.
Perhaps, we need to be more respectful of language, how we use it and why we use it, because meanings can be different to everyone. Context is key.
I’m trying to de-power the word queer. To become it’s better, it’s master. For now, though, my armour just isn’t quite there…yet.
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