Acceptance

Photo by Ales Maze on Unsplash

My heart screams your name every once in a while simply because you’re all it has ever known.
Of course, it happens less and less now since I started to love myself in your place, but the muscle memory still remembers what it felt like to have held your hand, wiped your tears, and waited for more.
The wounds healed, but even though they have mended themselves together, the pain was too prolonged and the stabs too deep to not have scarred, so now the scars will forever serve as a reminder of what it felt like to lose a part of my heart, my belief in humanity, my trust in others.
While my heart remembers your name dearly and my skin holds scars marked by your inadequacy, my mind says, “Fuck you. Why the hell love me if you weren’t going to do it well?”
You left me with the memories now I will never forget your favorite color or melody, and the way you looked at me like you will never see me as anyone less than perfect, but now we both know that’s not true.
That, too, I remember the moment you stopped loving me, the moment I realized that not all love is unconditional, and not all love is patient and understanding.
You were the one to show me that most love is lacking, even my own.
And while some things will last.
Most has seeped out of my system.
And while my heart remains fond of you, it has to admit that it beats much more evenly and freely now.
And while my skin bears scars, it has never felt stronger than it does now.
And while my mind holds far too many memories of what life once was with you, it has found that it is capable of so much more than the boundaries that you and I placed on it.
I am better today, and I’d like to believe that you are too.
If the pavement can give forth flowers, then heartbreak can give forth breakthroughs as well.
I never doubted that you loved me, but I now especially never doubt myself, so sometimes when my heart screams your name, I bring myself to say thank you.
You pushed me towards breakthrough.

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Natalie Ortiz

Natalie Ortiz

I write about what makes me feel. I create to expand the boundaries and learn about the world and hopefully a little about myself in the process.