omars
omars
Jul 30, 2017 · 2 min read

Having been in (or observed) the urban/suburban dating scene for a couple of decades now, one thing I have noticed is (hetero) women seem to usually go for the stylish, charming, aggressive men — the peacocks. Some muscles, or a nice coat, a nice haircut, some easy quips coming readily to their lips… Yet, that self-selects for the shallow personality types, for the the self-absorbed, preening, shiny boys.

It wouldn’t surprise me if they turn out to be just as self-absorbed and shallow in their relationships as in their appearance. Does it surprise you?

My experience (mine and that of my peers) is that a whole lot of thoughtful, self-aware men, the introverts, the quiet ones, the ones who are actually in their heads enough that they can think about what you might want, who can feel deeply enough to go deeply into a relationship, who can learn from mistakes and aren’t just aging fuck-bois… the ones who can deliver the sort of relationship you’re looking for? They just get overlooked.

You might think they are little too reserved, not stylish enough. Not enough hair or a little soft around the middle. The introversion means a lack of overt initial enthusiasm. They don’t seem be rebels with a nice coat. You assume quiet demeanor means they must be boring, rather than deep. So you go to talk to the peacock instead. And repeat the cycle.

(I don’t know if you do personally, but the general “you”)

And those quieter ones, they probably aren’t out there trying to aggressively date or hook up. The emotional cost of bad dates or past relationships might leave them non-dating (yet still available). Social with new people is a huge energy drain for anybody even a little introverted, and the emotional sensitivity that goes with it, make them much less likely to immediately approach you, to be aggressively pursue a stranger.

So maybe next time pass on the bro-grammer with this year’s stylish hair who’s hitting on you, and go talk to the quiet one with the deep eyes instead?

    omars

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    omars