Physical Pain Vs. Emotional Pain
Physical pain doesn’t mean much once you’re used to it.
Emotional pain and loneliness though, that shit will kill ya. Imagine seeing everyone in happy relationships except you, every media source reinforces that you should have found someone already, literally everything around you reminds you of what you can’t seem to have.
No matter how hard you try, what you learn, what new approaches you try, focusing on something else for months at a time and building. People just don’t wanna give you a shot, or worse they mess with you; lead you on and talk to 5 other dudes while banging two other one’s (yeah, not an exaggeration).
You the dude who always left on seen, the dude who can’t get a text back and always getting blown off, the dude who falls for stupid excuses cuz they sound truthful but really you see them later hooking up with the Facebook Drug Dealer after blowing you off cuz “Grandma was sick”.
You try to get harder, you silence your emotions so you don’t feel sad or angry, you make yourself into a robot. Even as a robot though, it still kills you.
Why is it so easy for everyone else? What exactly is wrong with you that you can’t find anyone? Then you want to leave, but you can’t leave yo; cuz you only have so many options in your situation and resourceful as you are; even you can’t change destiny.
It gets worse every day, week by week, month after month, you surprise yourself that you haven’t just plain dropped dead yet.
But every night when you go to sleep (on the nights you actually can sleep….). Instead of praying to God that you wake up the next morning… You pray to God that you DON’T wake up the next morning cuz you tired of this shit.
And you even more tired of all the people telling you: “you’re time will come”, “be patient”, “there’s someone out there for everyone”. Save it, I’m out here building an empire and a legacy that will last for eons, but all the while I’m hoping some young hustler puts a bullet in my brain I don’t gotta see this shit anymore. The only girls who bother paying any attention to you are the one’s with boyfriends or who aren’t interested for whatever reason, and people wonder why you feel like you ain’t good enough, why you’re kind of a dick and you don’t really feel like doing favors for these females who you already seen tryna use you and you just ain’t having it!
Cuz I can’t even walk away, or even turn away. I could shut off all my social media, hide in my house and pretend nobody else exists but guess what? Don’t work like that… You know things aren’t like this back in the 3rd World, sure it might be more violent/dangerous/crazy; but you know from the stories your parents and family told you that people are raised right over there. Nobody plays games because they don’t have time.
You don’t fit in where you are, you never have. They gave you a Title, call you a Role Model and an Inspiration. You don’t know why, you barely manage to fight your way out of bed every morning. Cuz it ain’t the Physical Pain Killing you…… It’s the Pain deep inside, the pain that reminds you no matter how hard you try you just can’t seem to “get it”. Nobody helps, you ask the homies to introduce you to someone you can jive with, nobody bothers. They tell you it doesn’t matter, well it does matter; matters to me.
But nobody cares, the world is hard and cold. You must become hard and cold too. They say you’re full of self pity, you say they couldn’t live through a tenth of what you’ve been through.
Then you stop typing and get ready to go to bed, cuz tomorrow another fucked up day I gotta wear a smile while I’m dying inside. Lord if I could make one wish, it’d be to stop this. This is what’s killing me. Please.