What being a dad taught me about stereotype threat

“You’re such a dad,” she said, as I gingerly put the sunglasses on my tiny baby’s head. This well-meaning, progressive, and feminist mom meant no harm. However, my instant reaction was to be nervous and even more tentative, which only reinforced her belief that I was not well-suited to the task at hand, by virtue of my gender.

Strictly speaking, stereotype threat is the idea that an individual who is a member of a social group feels like their performance can or will reinforce a preexisting negative stereotype about that group. One observed consequence of this effect is that this belief becomes self-fulfilling, where it actually reduces performance. For instance, if a young girl is a good math student, but is constantly being reminded at how good she is for a girl, the negative stereotypes can reduce her performance in that subject. Similarly, being told that I was incapable of doing well because I was a dad eroded my confidence.

I brought up the remark with my wife that evening. “That’s ridiculous!” she said, as she pointed out that she was less skilled at the sunglasses task than I was. I was relieved because I was genuinely more insecure than I was the day before about my own parenting skills.

I’ve learned a lot about being a dad in the last six months, which is true of every parent with their first child. Some things I get right, and others I get wrong. The only reason why this isn’t abjectly horrifying to me is that I believe that I can be a great dad with hard work and a willingness to learn.

In general, I’ve benefited from folks who have believed in me. My friends and family have always been unwavering in their support through thick and thin. Most crucially, society has been generally supportive of people who look like me doing the sorts of things that I’ve wanted to do. I got to stay up all night tinkering with computers because it wasn’t surprising.

Folks expected me to be smart, so when I faltered at school, it was because I wasn’t trying hard enough, not because I wasn’t capable. When I graduated and did computer things, I was with a horde of other people who bore a superficial resemblance to me, so folks assumed I could do the computer things too.

I am more than aware that I’ve had and will continue to have a great career, as the result of varying measures of work, luck and talent. But belief is the force multiplier that affects all three of those attributes, and I don’t think I really understood how belief can be eroded until someone didn’t believe in me because of what I was and not who I am.