The untold truth
Of how I left my mother’s house after a fight
Truth be said: I’m not perfect and don’t wanna be. Why does people tend to see christians as perfect people or people who are trying to be perfect? Let’s make that clear. I’m not trying and I’m not interested on being perfect. It makes me anger that other people thinks that.
I’m honestly trying to be my best self. Bumming all theologian radicals, I truly believe God is much more interested in my real, broken, anxious, dubious, crazy kind of person than in making me a perfect guy. You wanna know why I don’t believe God is trying to make me perfect? It’s because I do believe He likes and wants to work over and through my weaknesses.
God is not interested in those who think too much of themselves, like they are above everyone because of their self perfection. I also believe God is not interested in those who think too little of themselves, like they are the worse mess of humankind. Why shouldn’t we live in the middle? There’s something about a balanced life that really catches me.
I honestly have — and wanna have — bad days. I want to be angry, and sad, and anxious, and feel alone, and feel bored. I wanna have some bad days. I’m trying to be a human. As a “spiritual mentor” to human beings I kind of wanna know what is it like going through some tough times. It’s not because I’m a christian that I can’t get anger sometimes.
You know what is the funniest thing about christianity? We all think this is about behaving a certain way. Well, the truth is, christianity life is not about behavior, it’s about heart and soul. Sometimes in this heart and soul journey I found strength during tough times. Sometimes, all I can found is the stupid mad human behavior that improperly answers to the tough time.
Sometimes I will yell, and punch things, and say mean stuff. Because as a human being, I will find myself in a place of madness once in awhile. If I never get mad, I can never find God.
No one who considers itself perfect or good enough believes that need God for anything. Why will I ever need God if I never scream at people or curse out a dirty word from time to time? Only bad people who does bad stuff needs God. In fact, that’s exactly why I need him.
All I need you to do is understand this. It doesn’t matter if I am the youth pastor or the worship leader, I am still the worse of all sinners, and while in this life I wanna be. I don’t want never think I’m a perfect guy for any reason. That’s the only way for me to need God, and I wanna live a life in a desperate need for more of God.
I don’t wanna be the kind of person who pursues God for convention and comfort zone. I wanna pursue God because if I don’t I will one day or another kill someone and set fire in the house. I don’t wanna serve God for a moral stance. I wanna serve God so I can learn how to love the most hateful person in my love/hate scale. I wanna have a relationship with God not to claim myself perfect, but to get to understand how ridiculously idiot I am — and much far away from perfection.
Yes, I am extremely mad right now. I’m angry at my work, angry at my mom and my sis, angry at life. That doesn’t make me a bad christian. It does makes me someone in a desperate need for God. And that’s just who I am. I’m not this perfect person you draw in your head. Don’t say I’m a demon, and don’t call me a saint. I am just a human, and thank God I am, for these are the creatures he loves and cares the most.
I promise to come back and write again when I get back to my good day. Untill there, think about that and stop judging me or any of your leaders or anyone else you Kno from an utopian and unethical perfection scale. It’s just not fair. Love you in Christ. I’ll keep trying to get better.