Our Marvellous Misadventures
Depression
This one’s a tough one. Everybody knows someone with depression, maybe they have even experienced it themselves. There are massive drives to raise awareness, a massive push to talk about it, to remove the stigma that the label depression brings, but yet that stigma is still there, people fear it, the look of discomfort of not knowing what to say if it’s brought up as a topic of discussion.
Depression and me are intimately acquainted, I have had bouts of it for pretty much my whole life. Sometimes I win the battle and I am able to push that voice that attempts to pull the rug out from underneath you and drive you to crawl under the covers and hide away from the world, sometimes depression wins. When depression wins the world suddenly becomes a scary and lonely place. The normal thought process ceases and an irrational uncontrollable one replaces it, one that can get caught up in itself and spiral so fast from the simple day to day things being manageable to all of a sudden the thought of engaging with the world drives you under your covers with thoughts of never wanting or being able to deal with it all again. The loneliness comes from the fear that appears as part of this new thought process, fear of judgement and disappointment, the fear of your thoughts and feelings being mishandled and not being able to deal with the fallout, there is always fallout. You become an amazing actor, an Oscar nomination wouldn’t be far short on how good you are able to put on this mask and say all the right things to stop the probing, because the probing are questions that many times results in answers that makes someone uncomfortable or panicked because they don’t know what to do with these answers.
Over the years my dalliances with depression has manifested in many ways, from agoraphobia to crippling panic attacks that literally feels like your head and your chest will explode, from simply switching off and disconnecting from life because if I don’t disconnect the thoughts and feelings that follow are scary.
One thing that has scared me is suicide, no one tells you that depression can bring with it suicidal thoughts, that it’s actually quite common to have those feelings and thoughts, that is actually a coping mechanism for your mind when it literally can’t take any more. Here is the most important thing if someone has these thoughts it doesn’t automatically mean they will attempt something or do something, it just means that mentally and emotionally they cannot take anymore and their mind is screaming for help to make it all stop, to make it all manageable again. Some people use medication, not because they want to, but because they need to, it takes the edge off and allows the mind enough space for some rational thoughts to pop back in and gives you enough space to be able to grab them, hold onto them and gain some control of your thought process again. Some people use talk therapy (counselling) and cognitive behaviour therapy (cbt), I use this, I tried medication, but the side effects were so awful that honestly I would rather live with depression, even if it is winning, than take the medication.
So I guess many reading who haven’t had depression themselves may ask what can I do to support a friend who confides in me, firstly thank them, thank them for trusting you enough to share one of their darkest secrets, saying to someone when you are in the middle of a depressive episode what is really going on in their head requires a lot of trust. Treat them like a person, they are still the same person you know and love, they just aren’t coping very well right now. Ask them is there something you can do and above all listen, listen to what they say and trust the words they are saying to you, if they trust you enough to open up to you, they should be trusted in return by you. Ask if they have spoken to a professional or if they need company in order to go and talk to someone. Ask them when they last ate and offer a meal, appetite disappears quickly and some days it’s hard enough to get up and get dressed without even thinking about eating. Sit with them, just be with them so they feel less alone, movies are great fillers, sometimes After confiding in someone there is no more energy to discuss anything, so a movie is a great distraction.
Don’t be alarmed if it all comes back again, the person may feel better and then bang just like that something happens and it’s back at square 1 they appear. Depression never ever goes away, it is always there niggling at the back of your head, you just find a way to learn to live with it and like I said sometimes it wins and sometimes the person wins.
This is a great video to explain it. Definitely watch it if you have never experienced it.
It’s on the World Health Organisation channel on you tube and called I had a black dog and his name was depression
I found it very close to home.
This summer was tough in fact being honest, the last 2 years has been tough, nothing weeds out your caring friends from the ones passing through than giving birth to a child with a disability. I love Ava with all my heart, but the demands placed on me takes its toll. It’s a big responsibility being the voice for someone who doesn’t have one, literally in our case. The fighting I have done has mentally and emotionally drained me, the support is completely lacking to give me space to recharge. My daily life is massively demanding and it literally does not stop, the only time it stops is when I sleep and even then anxiety is winning that battle and not the sleep I need. Racing from school runs to appointments, from extracurricular activities (because you don’t want your kids missing out or suffering because of the lifestyle you have) to just the demands of day to day life means that there is very little time left for coffee with friends, or a quick walk out and about, or a movie, the things people take for granted. I spend my life playing catch up and that takes it’s toll.
Ask for help is a sentence I hear a lot, but reaching out requires a lot , it requires getting past the guilt of eating into their spare time, getting past the ownership issue, that this is my responsibility and I need to deal with it, to even actually just finding the words to say because of the worry of saying it wrong and offending someone. Depression does that it’s insidious, it creeps in and slowly takes away your confidence and self esteem, because it constantly tells you how rubbish you are. It’s the voice that replays over and over every cruel and nasty thing anyone you have ever met has said to you, the ones who tell you how worthless you are and makes it hard to believe the kind things.
Right now I’m ok, bouncing in and out of bouts, trying to manage it and keep a handle on it, but as always sometimes I win and sometimes depression does.
