A moment is all we are
Content note for talk of death, self harm and suicide — as well as things about me which may shock or upset you
As with most people, I found out about Chester Bennington’s death through social media. It hit me like a ton of bricks, very fast and all at once. Never one to really care about the world of celebrity that much and having never really had to face the deaths of anyone famous that I was fond of, what I felt in that moment was new; someone I didn’t know, someone I would never meet, but someone who had written and performed songs that, without sounding cliche, got me through some dark times during my teens, was gone, leaving behind family, friends, band mates and legions of fans wondering “why now?”.
I felt a sadness mixed with feeling a strange type of numb, messaging a few pals to share my thoughts, friends from all different walks of life posting on social media about how Linkin Park had been and for some, still were, a big part of their lives at some point or another. I listened to some old school songs, like ‘One Step Closer’, ‘In The End’ and my favourite, ‘My December’, and surprisingly, shed no tears. Then, I listened to ‘Leave Out All The Rest’ and the tears flowed.
When my time comes, forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don’t resent me and, when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Released almost 10 years ago, these lyrics touched a little too close to home for me, reminding me of a dark time, only four years back. People keep mentioning how selfish it was of Chester to leave everyone, especially his wife and six children, behind and it took me back to that day in May 2013 that I expected to be the end.
I was in the midst of breaking up with my long term partner and in a plaster cast, having broken my ankle a few weeks before. After yet another fight, I decided I just couldn’t face life like this any more and decided, with what little energy I had, I was going to end my life. I hauled myself to the kitchen, finding no alcohol, just water, and found as many pills as I could to take back into the living room with me. Doing all of this on crutches was not easy, I can assure you, that’s why I know I was determined.
I took as many pills as I had been able to find, washed them down with water, cursing myself for not having any alcohol to hand and then threw the glass against the fire place to smash it. I wrote a quick note to say I was sorry and listing all the people I loved and would miss before I grabbed a piece of glass and slit my wrist several times.
In this moment, I felt a numbness I had never felt before and have never felt since. It felt like I was already gone; the world was still turning, people were still driving passed my house, but yet I was still alone and facing an uncertain future which scared the shit out of me. I didn’t think of my family or friends, of what would happen if my ex partner was to come home, what my parents would have to go through. I just wanted it all to be over.
I was taken to hospital where I stayed for 3 days in the Emergency Assessment Unit, hooked up to a machine that was slowly flushing my liver of the toxins I had ingested. The constant beep kept me awake as did the lady with dementia who punched another patient and whose family didn’t visit her. I was never visited by a mental health professional, despite the hospital having a specialist unit attached to it. A counsellor came to see me eventually and gave me her card to get in touch for ‘relationship therapy’, ignoring everything I had told her about my ex partner, with the ex bit being the main point. I was sent home after 3 days with no extra medication, no follow up appointments, no numbers to call if I was in crisis again. I felt more lost than I did before.
When I tried to kill myself, people had differing reactions. Most, as you can imagine, told me I was loved and they were thinking of me. Others broke down, saying they didn’t know what they would do with out me. I was also told I was stupid, I was selfish, I was over dramatic, that I had no reason to blame anyone but myself. Even after the incident, some people still don’t take my mental health issues seriously and think I am still a drama queen and an oversharer.
Going back to the loss of Chester, I used to sit in my room as a teenager, when I first started to feel that black cloud above my head, listening to ‘Hybrid Theory’ and ‘Meteora’ as I cut myself to relieve the stress and anger I felt, and I felt like I wasn’t alone in my pain. His lyrics spoke to me in a way not many others have in my 28 years on this planet. People have already taken the piss out of me for my reaction to his death, have made me sit and listen whilst they call him selfish and stupid, but I don’t care anymore, he and his music meant so much to me and many others. It’s just so sad he felt he couldn’t carry on.
So, now you’ve read why I was so upset to hear of Chester’s passing, maybe you will think twice about the way you speak of people who have ended their lives and just remember, you never know who around you is suffering or has suffered.
Please don’t suffer in silence
- Samaritans 116 123
- PAPYRUS 0800 068 41 41 is a voluntary organisation supporting teenagers and young adults who are feeling suicidal.
- Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) 0800 58 58 58
