a sinking ship i’ll never be able to save

a letter for an old friend

hello.

it’s been a while since we last talked properly. I have a lot to say to you, and I get that this might be just the worst place to do. chances are you probably won’t even see this, but you know how I am with face to face communication. I think you’ve watched me stumble over my words too much, so I guess this is the best way.

so.. I’m not sure of the way things ended. maybe it’s me, maybe I shouldn’t have gone out of my way to avoid you. maybe I should’ve struck up a conversation with you. (and what? talk about the weather?) I start to blame myself then I realise you’ve never even fought for us. maybe this is where the battle ends, right at this demarcation, for a war you never wanted to win.

needless to say you’ll always be the closest to thing I had to a best friend, as of today. my heart might just be stinging and my mouth becoming dry as i’m writing everything down. for someone who loved me more than I could ever love myself at a point of time, well, its kind of hard to think that you’d walk away and leave me stranded. I wish I could close one eye, but you left so often that I started to feel the hollowness of my chest each time you came back. hours passed and I’d wonder if you’d even come back at all. I walked a tightrope with you, and I guess I’m just not that sure anymore if you’d hold onto me if I started to fall. perhaps I was just a temporary friend for you until you regained the company of old ones. not in the sense that you pushed me away, but you know how it goes with me. maybe I’m looking too much into this, but please, just let me prioritise my own feelings for today.

I’m not quite sure what else to say.

well.. maybe I should thank you then. for the days you heard me out when I needed more than a ear, though God forbid you’d pretend I wasn’t crying in front of you right now. one of my favorite memories was the time when I’d share a somo song with you. you’d look at the title, give me a weary glance but start to smile as you listened. and the way you used to some acts of love towards me, like clearing my plates for me or sharing your food. I remember that once you brought a whole burger from home in a little lock and lock box. and then hours we’ll spend studying on skype, and the all nighter we pulled once. it’s safe to say I’ve given so much of myself to you I hardly know what I’m left with now.

silly me, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get carried away. I suppose this is where it all ends. maybe now I love myself enough to know that I’d honestly not be hurt by you anymore. you were good for me once, but I’m just not that sure anymore.

all the best for your future endeavors. I hope the wind takes you places you’ve never been before, and I hope you start basking in the sun’s glorious rays. after all, every storm that comes has to come to an end.

shalom (6/11/15)

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