We Have to be Selfish, Don’t We?

5 min readNov 14, 2020

You might not realise you are living with one for many years. Especially if you are in love with their devil may care attitude, in lust with their prowess in the bedroom, and blinded by their brooding charm.

Do you recall the Game of Thrones character, Littlefinger aka Petyr Baelish?

“If you look at Littlefinger, we know he’s not remotely personally interested in Lysa, but he likes the attention. And he needs her. Narcissists use people for functions, which he does.”. — Colleen Jordan, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) interviewed by Kat Rosenfield

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Their behaviour is self-centred, their impressive bedroom feats are self-serving, and their charm is manipulation. However, only four points of the nine considered by DSM requirements to diagnose a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are not enough to qualify.

A sense of entitlement

The first of four you’ll likely be familiar with is his or her sense of entitlement. It’s perfectly normal for a person with NPD to live with someone and let them do most of the heavy lifting.

Interpersonally exploitative

Second, they are interpersonally exploitative. This trait could display in the form of never lifting a dishcloth, tidying up anything, and rarely paying for anything.

I was his rock. His banker, his housekeeper (not that he noticed whether or not the house was clean or tidy), and his entertainment when we weren’t at the pub.

Lacks empathy

Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

My feelings were not recognised unless I voiced them. When I pointed out how his sleeping with my best friend hurt me more than once, he shamed me into shutting up.

Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes

Shows arrogant, haughty [rude and abusive] behaviours or attitudes, and that it was his right to do and say whatever suited him.

There is little give and a helluva lot of take from a narcissist. When I told him I loved him, his reply was “I know you do.”

Leon F Seltzer Ph.D. provides an additional list of six of characteristics which he has observed dysfunctional narcissists display. His article shares more detailed views on why narcissists behave the way they do. If you are curious, it is well worth reading.

Information abounds about the traits of a narcissist. I’m guilty of using the narcissistic label to describe people. Especially boyfriends who I decided didn’t care for me in the way I longed for. I didn’t possess the tools to change them nor, I discovered later in life, did I want to change them.

According to recent cultural criticism, Narcissus has replaced Oedipus as the myth of our time. Narcissism is now seen to be at the root of everything from the ill-fated romance with violent revolution to the enthralled mass consumption of state-of-the-art products and the ‘lifestyles of the rich and famous’.~Jessica Benjamin (2000), “The Oedipal Riddle,” p. 233[79]

I tried really hard to shoehorn an old boyfriend into matching the criteria for NPD. He didn’t. He was just selfish. I’m selfish too. We’re all a little selfish. Sometimes we have to be very selfish to get what we truly desire.

I think we have to be selfish, don’t you?

Whether for protection against hurts we experienced in our earlier lives, or to defend our current and future selves, I find it necessary to put myself first. If a love or lust interest can’t put me first, I choose not to be in a relationship. I am on a mission and writers are notoriously one-track minded.

I’ve foregone sex and meaningful relationships with men for ten years. I found I enjoy the lack of distractions.

I am comfortably numb where I used to be churned like milk to make butter.

I know myself and I love myself. I don’t need a man’s declarations. Nor do I want to squander my time paying attention to a man.

If you have been unsuccessful in changing your man’s selfishness or narcissistic tendencies to suit your desires, I recommend walking away.