I’m a Recovering People Pleaser

When we think of the term “people pleasing,” we tend to think of people who can’t say no, who will intentionally give up their desires for the benefit of others. The term has such a negative connotation. It signifies images of people who are passive and submissive. But what I’ve had to learn the hard way is the term is a lot more complicated than that.

I would have never given myself that title. I don’t always say “yes” instead of “no.” I don’t give in to peer pressure. I live my own life with my own values and principles. Right?

I still remember the feeling I had when my therapist told me that I had people pleasing tendencies. I don’t know what I was expecting when I talked about my life and how I interacted with others. But hearing that term gave me a visceral reaction. Even thinking about the term made me feel queasy. I wondered “What did she think of my me to even say that?” I felt weak, like I was a wimp.

She acknowledged my dramatic response and assured me that the term does not define me in any way, but it did mean that I needed to look at my tendencies. And then I began my difficult journey of mental health and growth, I learned about what it means, and what I needed to change to embrace my authentic self.

I reflected back on my life. Growing up, I felt like I was nerdy and socially awkward. Whenever I tried to speak in a group, I tended to speak so quietly that no one heard me. I’d sometimes pretend like I didn’t say anything. Other times, I tried to repeat myself. Typically it took about 3 times before the person said “Oh, ok,” pretending to understand me.

So naturally, I just didn’t talk much and stayed quiet. I really didn’t know much about myself or who I was. But just being there made me feel included. It helped me to feel like I belong.

When I went to college, I felt that it was my time to branch out. I wanted to find a group of friends that I could fit in and hang out with. I was also very ambitious, so I got into a prestigious school, and I thought that it was time to pull myself up by my bootstraps. To be successful and surround myself with successful people.

After I started college, I really started to experience mental health struggles. I began to struggle with my academics. No matter how hard I tried, I could not study or get my assignments done until the very last minute. It really felt like I was just not in control of my body.

I also experienced a lot of trouble sleeping. I was constantly fatigued, no matter how much I slept. It made it really difficult to stay awake in class or focus on anything I was being taught.

At the time, I didn’t understand these struggles. I did start therapy in college, but I didn’t talk about it to any of my peers. I wanted to keep an image that I was doing well in school and that I was successful. I had always been an achiever and honestly, I don’t know what my life looked like without achievements.

As I got older, my life took a different turn than a lot of my peers. After getting my master’s, I had a really difficult time getting a job. I struggled to get ahead. Not only that, but many of my classmates went off to build relationships, get married and have children. Meanwhile, it was a struggle for me to socialize at all. I felt completely left out.

But most importantly: I finally received a mental health diagnosis. I had to come to terms with that, identify that, and undo the negative labels that I had given myself for so long. It’s very common for people to label themselves as a whole for a particular behavior, when it often isn’t even the person’s fault to begin with.

I know now that it was never my fault, but it also taught me that I had unique struggles that was going to make my life look different than my peers around me. The world is often set up to look like you can do anything that the next person is doing. But that is simply not the case.

What I’ve come to learn as an adult is that we all have radically unique perspectives and life experiences that are based on our backgrounds, cultures, and life experiences. But I’ve always felt the need to “fit in” to the group around me. More times than not, I kept my thoughts to myself, afraid to say anything that made me stand out. Afraid to rock the boat. I always took up as little space as possible, because there was a subconscious desire to blend in.

I didn’t want to share anything about my life that made me feel different. My mental health struggles, my career or financial struggles, my struggle to find the right relationship. I was afraid to stand out, which of course, is a major sign of anxiety.

As I look back at the sheer amount of energy that it took for me to cover things up. To try and present what I wanted to present. Not only does it not serve me, but it serves no one, because there’s a voice that the world isn’t seeing.

As I got older, I began to feel this unexplained resentment. Like I just became unhappy with my life and routine. That I was going through the motions. Throughout some really difficult therapy sessions, I learned that by not expressing my voice and sharing my perspectives, I felt disconnected from life and that I wasn’t present or choosing my life path.

As my therapist put it, we’re meant to be seen. It’s a very common belief that if you just blend in, you’ll be liked. But people are often more liked when they bring their whole self to the table, in spite of any differences or conflicts that my arise.

That also brings forward anxiety, but it was undeniable. There’s a part of me that needed to tell my story. To be seen completely as a whole person, and know that I’ll be liked in spite of any differences that I have with someone else.

I had to stop trying, and start accepting.

Through my therapeutic journey, I learned that I have to embrace my own unique path. It’s truly one of the hardest life lessons, but one of the most transformative and rewarding. It required me to confront my deepest insecurities, unravel the complexities of my behavior, and untangle the webs of societal expectations. But at the same time, it empowered me to accept my humanity and my vulnerabilities, and the lesson that I don’t have to be perfect to be accepted.

We’re all on different journeys in our lives, and we all have different values and goals. I had to accept my place in life, what I value and what I want to do right now in my life, regardless of what other people are doing. In a world that’s constantly competitive, that can be easier said than done. It’s a daily process of renewing and resetting my mind.

I simply don’t have to have it together all the time, which is a relief. I can share about my vulnerabilities and my life struggles. I used to think those struggles were a sign of weakness, and that I simply could do better. But there is strength in vulnerability. We all have our difficulties, and I should take pride in doing the best that I can, and sharing my story.

People pleasing can be subtle and not obvious to many people. I was never a pushover. But I was pleasing people by holding in thoughts, feelings and experiences out of fear. It’s a carefully crafted technique the brain does to avoid judgement and to make you feel like you belong.

The honest truth is that people are attracted to authenticity. True acceptance does not come from blending in, but standing out with authenticity. And I’m still learning what that looks like.

Vulnerability is a scary thing. You don’t have a way of knowing how your voice will be received. But vulnerability is also what makes you beautifully human. The greatest stories do not come out of perfection, but of struggle and perseverance. I don’t have to be aggressive or blurt out every opinion I have. But I can prioritize myself and my own perspective. And maybe through that, I can inspire someone else to do the same.