If you’ve been reading, you already know I dated a bunch last year, and this year I’m pretty focused on me. If not, read this update on my love life and you’ll be right up to speed. Since reactivating my online dating profiles, I’ve had a lot of people requesting explanation as to why I think it is I’m still single after thirty-some dates and what exactly it is I’m looking for, so I’ll respond.

As far as why nothing’s worked, please see above photo for reference. Aside from that, I think there’s a multitude of factors that come into play. Timing plays a huge role; sometimes the perfect person comes along at the worst time. Specifically in regards to online dating, I believe the instant access to a catalogue of potentials deters some from settling down; the landscape encourages an open mind and constant browsing. Flawed communication, differences in expectations, past insecurities, and general incompatibility issues undoubtedly play prominent roles in the demise of budding romances as well. And sometimes, people are just assholes.

I believe in kindness. Also in mischief. Also in singing, especially when singing is not necessarily prescribed. — Mary Oliver

And what I’m looking for? If there’s anything positive that’s come of dating dozens, it’s that I think I’m pretty certain what qualities I desire in a person with whom I’d consider a committed relationship. While trudging through the trenches, I tried to bring awareness to why these dates didn’t pan out- determining what I liked, while also recognizing what I didn’t. So without further adieu, aside from chemistry and physical attraction, which I think we can all agree are imperative for any romantic relationship to thrive, here’s what I’m seeking:

Adventure. I want someone willing to drive off into the desert on a whim, just to watch the stars, someone who will take my hand to help me climb a fence so we can wade in the river. I want someone who shares my belief that rules are simply suggestions for those seeking guidance as they navigate, someone willing to push boundaries and succumb to the unknown.

I want a stealthy vagabond.

Laughter. I want someone dry and witty, someone light-hearted and ironic; someone unafraid of judgement.

I want someone silly.

Ambition. I want someone motivated, focused and responsible. I want someone accountable, who sets goals and achieves them because not only do they understand the meaning of hard work, but they’re fearless and go after what they want without hesitation.

I want a dreamer with drive.

Insight. I want someone who gets me, someone comfortable in the silence. I want someone who knows when to hold me close and when to tell me no. I want someone unafraid to share, to unravel and fall vulnerable, someone accepting of my console.

I want a connection.

Resistance. I want someone who will inspire me to grow, someone who questions and challenges me. I want someone audacious and relentless, someone with an opinion, someone who will listen and respond, rationally and intelligibly.

I want a fighter.

Intelligence. I want someone who reads, someone with interests and hobbies. I want someone with a social conscience and a thirst for knowledge, someone anomalous, fascinated and brimming with curiosity.

I want a thinker.

Acceptance. I want someone who won’t look to change me, someone focused on their own path to self-betterment, someone who won’t stand in my way, but instead offers me space. I want someone who will love me along with my flaws, unwavering as I grow.

I want a partner.

Passion. I want someone to dance with me in the rain and play with me when we’re stuck in the mud, someone adept at loving fully. I want someone who never outgrows sandcastles or tree forts, late night concerts, picnics, or somersaults, someone who drives with the windows down and the music up. I want someone inclined to climb up a mountain at dawn, camp in the desert for the full moon, jump in the ocean after sunset, and stop at all the vistas.

I want a wild one.

Respect. I want someone who will respond to my messages, maybe even muster up some chutzpah and surprise me with a phone call, someone who will confront issues rather than ignore them, someone with control of their emotions and the capacity to communicate honestly and openly. I want someone who makes me feel significant.

I want a gentleman.

Trust. I want someone who makes me feel secure because there’s nothing to hide, someone who responds with acceptance and understanding and has faith I’ll do the same, someone capable of giving and forgiving. I want someone I can tell all my secrets.

I want a friend.

Candor. I want someone always willing to speak the truth despite fear of conflict, someone earnest and forthright, someone frank and unequivocal.

I want something real.

You must not ever stop being whimsical. And you must not, ever, give anyone else the responsibility for your life. —Mary Oliver

So yes, after 30 some dates I didn’t find what I was looking for, but that’s not to say some of the men I met didn’t possess many of these qualities, some most certainly did. I just didn’t happen to stumble upon my match, or at least not at the right time. I’m not willing to acquiesce; I want a partnership, not a crutch or a place holder, but someone who will make me better. So, until the right thing comes along, I’m going to give my time to me.