“She is the kind of girl you meet when you are too young and you fuck up because there is too much living to do, only to realize she was the one”
The Weekend
Dear X,
It’s been eight months. Twelve months of awkward conversations when we talk and awkward silences when we don’t, almost deafening sometimes. Eight months though, officially. I hate that I miss you but I do, everything about you. Our conversations, your dimples when you smile, your handwriting that gets me jealous always, your 37 sized feet when you walk, your hair especially on local African styles, I can go but to what end?
Looking back, I lost you in July maybe earlier but that was when the realization began to dawn on me- no calls, unreplied mails and text messages, awkward conversations, the emotional distance was beyond bridging as if the physical distance was not enough. I had hoped against hope that the phase would pass. It didn’t.
If you ever wondered what is was like in the months that followed, I will tell you. First, I wanted to be hard the guy, move on as if nothing happened; afterall you were just a girl. But who was I kidding? You were more than just a girl, you have always been and you will always be. The rest of the year I hated everyone. I hated myself the most, for who I was becoming so I stayed indoors, doing nothing. I am sorry I had to make you pretend you still cared that night I texted you in December. An already terrible year just got worse and I had to talk to someone, of course I thought about you. I am sorry for placing that kind of burden on you. Truly, I am. That was when I started loading up on tramadol regularly, it was the only thing that made me sleep, and the highness that came with it too was a welcomed distraction. But it was not enough, nothing was going to fill the vacuum you left behind, at least not that quickly. I had to try though.
In January I hated myself some more and then I was angry at God too, if He loved me He would not let me get hurt like that right? I will tell you more about my short experiment with atheism in my next letter. My experience with Sports betting too will come with it. Both funny and sad at the same time.
I honestly did not know what turn I was taking next till February until a dear friend, and mentor called to check up on me. I decided to move on with the pain. Then I met a girl. Her name is ‘Ope. I met her on a trip to Oyo State, and we went out a couple of times. She was as caring and loving as an intelligent lady should be but there was a huge problem- she wasn’t you. I complained about everything; too many calls, too few calls. She was wearing too much make up or not enough. One day in March, we were supposed to go out and I made her cry. I realized she had done nothing to deserve that, so I put her out of her misery and we broke up. I see you everywhere, on billboards, TV screens, newspapers-everywhere, the corner of my eyes and then you are not there.
Every night as a ritual, I go through your social media account pages to see what you like now- what your life looks like now. I see you read more now, not been in Hebron gave you some free time and of course you love the Lord too. How are you?
I do not have any intention writing this-just for you to know that this isn’t over just for me yet. I have listened to ‘Someone Like You’ by Adele too many times, that it has become ridiculous. I have figured a broken heart means a broken brain too. You have trouble concentrating on work. You have trouble thinking of anything except the person who walked away. Hey, do not pity me. I brought this on myself and yeah, I have read too many articles on how to deal with emotional breakups on Quora. It has not worked for me. The first step is not to blame yourself- that isn’t remotely possible with me, it was my entire fault. I tried closure when I requested to see you last year. Talk through it but I could not help but get captivated as always by your smile, the way you walk and the way your lips move when you talk. I guess now I am just hoping this letter will be the first steps towards closure.
I have made a couple of good female friends in the last couple of months and they keep asking me who the girl on my wallpaper is. Sometimes I just say you are a friend and when the pressure increases you are my cousin, I do not have it in me to call you my ex yet. I removed you from my wallpaper yesterday. I am emotionally stuck in 2016. When I come up with an idea or something happens, you are the first person I want to call or tell but the indifference in your voice will kill me some more. I am learning to let it go. I am worried about you, I do not even know why. Be fine please. Till I write again.