The Twitterist Manifesto

We deny the existence of the physical world.

Our flesh and bodies are but avatars to serve our innately digital souls.

We have no interest in your real name, your real religion or what you really had for lunch.

We can control the voting machines and bend outcomes in our favor. The real cogs of the modern world lie not in ornate government buildings, but in clandestine and non-descript server room warehouses. Once you acknowledge this you will be set free.

We refuse to meet you face to face.

When we have something to say, we’ll DM you.

When we have beef with you and your constituents, we’ll unleash our unsavory and anonymous army of hardened Internet commenters to disembowel your pitiful YouTube video with blatantly homophobic tirades.

We’ll call you a Nazi when we get bored.

We proudly conceal our real identities, and take up pseudonyms, inspired by childhood cartoons and porn stars.

We will not give into the Empires of Zuckerburg and Google, being built on our backs and between the lines of coding. We will revolt against these digital nations of the new world.

We seek to keep our independence in spite of the looming specter of information saturation brought on by all those who proudly overshare well beyond our 140 character limitations. These limitations are for our own good. To spread the burden of oversharing evenly across the social media accounts of all our commrades.

We will use the Internet for all things evenly. We will use it for satire, pyramid schemes and for our own personal gain.

We will not conform to the slavish standards mandated by most Internet sites and so-called social networks.

We will operate as passionate individuals, hellbent on re-writing the code to our collective future 140 characters at a time. One sturdy update at a time.