Don’t Call Me, I’ll Call You

I lost this internal tug of war I’d been having over whether or not to contact someone I’m currently not close with anymore.

I say currently because I am dancing on the fine line between ‘not close for right now’ and ‘never going to be close again’.

It’s been eating away at me like a tapeworm.

My husband told me to extend an olive branch — in the form of the gift I had gotten her months ago. Because I don’t wait until the last minute like some people… He said “she didn’t do anything other than seriously annoy you.”

Um yeah… that’s good enough reason to not want to be bothered with her — in my opinion.

After careful consideration… and my husband’s voice of reasoning echoing in my conscience — I reluctantly contacted her.

And it was every bit awkward as I imagined it would be.

Because we live in a world where we text each other instead of calling — that’s what I did. Her response was equally as dry.

Well shit, if you don’t seem interested then why should I?

But I fought the heart burning sensation that was washing over me. Be the bigger person.

I even went the extra mile and went all the way to her house. She bounced out the house like a puppy being given a new home.

Shit. Shit. Shit. This is what I was afraid of. Giving her false hope everything was okay again. Curse my husband for not listening.

I handed over her gift and she eagerly opened it. She was seriously happy and excited — it’s what she had been wanting for awhile. Then she went to awkwardly hug me.

Um… okay? That’s what we’re doing? Pretend like everything is okay…

I hugged her. Because well — I’m a nice fucking person, and it was her birthday. Who am I kidding? I hugged her because I’m a push over and hate to hurt people’s feelings!

I wished her a happy birthday and told her I had to get going — which wasn’t a lie at all. So brownie points for me there right!?

As I pulled out of her drive, I told my husband that I had in fact gone through and given her the gift, and that she was happy. He replied with a smirk albeit “see I told you.” Eager to knock him off his high horse, I responded —

It doesn’t change the fact that I still don’t want to be friends with her right now.

Well at least you were the bigger person and maybe there’s hope for one day in the future.

Seriously… why did I have to marry such a reasonable man?? (Cue awkward laugh)

As I went about my day, I did briefly wander down memory lane. I did miss her but I didn’t miss how she made me feel more often than not.

And this is something I struggle with terribly. Not just with this individual but most relationships in my life. I enjoy the idea of having the person in my life, rather than them actually being in it.

Or rather, I allow myself to be surrounded by people who bring toxicity into my life despite knowing it’s bad for me. Yes that seems like the more logical statement.

So I hold on to this sliver of hope that perhaps, it’s just me. Maybe I’m the difficult one. Even though deep down inside, I know this has BAD NEWS written all over it. And I just need to accept that fact and Let It Go…

And I’m hoping that’s what I can do here… and with my other conflicting relationships I’m dealing with. Hopefully sooner rather than later. I need inner peace, and I need it bad.

I have to do what’s best for me even if it upsets others…