On living with someone who hates Beyoncé

My very close friend and roommate absolutely despises Beyoncé. It’s ridiculous, I know. I try not to take it personally. I try not to fault him for it, but it’s hard. I don’t know how many discussions (read: arguments) we’ve gotten into about God’s Greatest Gift To This World but some good has come from that I suppose. It’s allowed me to spend (even more) time thinking about Beyoncé and reflecting on why it is that I adore her.

To know me is to know that my love for Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter is so fervent and fanatical that I often cry thinking about her. I am not kidding when I say this. I know there are many that judge me for this but I very legitimately do not care because my love for Beyoncé is the purest thing in my life. I truly think it’s the reason that I am (and have been) so single for so, so long- I invest so much emotional energy into my love for and of Beyoncé that I have little left for any type of romantic relationship. I love Bey more than I could ever love any boy. I can admit that. I’ve come to terms with that, but I digress.

Moving on. If you follow me on literally ANY social media platform you know that I had a very strong response to the debut of LEMONADE. I happened to be in a room with a handful of other people when she dropped her most recent blessing. Despite this, I pulled out my laptop, plugged in a pair of headphones and proceeded to scream and cry for over an hour and a half. I am aware that the video is only 58 minutes but I had to take a break halfway through because I was emotionally overwhelmed. I hope by now none of you are surprised by this. After frantic text messages and tweets I returned to my apartment emotionally exhausted. I fell asleep still dressed with my bedroom lights on. Around 5:00 a.m. I jolted straight up remembering what I’d seen mere hours ago. Naturally I called into work and proceeded to spend the next 13 hours on my living room couch re-watching LEMONADE. This. Is. Not. An. Exaggeration. I texted and called my closest friends, went on a tweeting spree, posted the stupidest Snapchats, shed too many tears, shrieked every time Warsan’s poetry was read, devoured reviews/reflections from other black women and periodically shouted thanks to my ceiling. I’m not even a religious person but LEMONADE was nothing less than spiritual. I won’t offer a scene-by-scene, song-by-song analysis but I will say this- there is nothing I love and value more in this beautiful but oftentimes terrible world than black women.

I haven’t always been able to say this.

There were years when simply acknowledging my blackness (never mind celebrating it) was more damning than it was worth. Even on the days I pined for paler skin and more easily manageable hair, I savored the beauty of black women. I discovered Beyoncé somewhere in the mess that was middle school and she instantaneously became the most beautiful buoy. She swished her full hips on screens, belted provocative melodies and the world loved her. I loved her, too, and still very obviously do. The first CD I ever purchased was a Destiny’s Child album in 2005. I burned through so many batteries listening to it. It sounds depressing to say, but aside from my mother she was the first black woman I truly felt like I was allowed to love openly. Because despite her brown skin and Check Up On It braids she was accepted and adored. She helped me realize that, maybe, melanin wasn’t always so damning. To me, she represented how powerful and unapologetically beautiful black women could be.

I was forever transformed by this realization.

It is that feeling that forever fuels my infatuation. You can then understand why LEMONADE hit me so deeply. You can understand why I sobbed the whole way through. I watch it and I am 11 again and I’m learning what it means to be a black and woman and beautiful, learning what it means to be resilient and proud of my existence. It’s been 12 years and I still struggle with this. So yes, I am a Beyoncé “stan” and apparently by default a member of the Beyhive. But my love for the Queen of Literally Everything is so multifaceted and nuanced that I refuse to stand by and watch any human belittle it. In the book about my life there will probably be at least one chapter dedicated to it/her. Until I get around to writing that, this will have to suffice. In the meantime, if you haven’t watched LEMONADE I urge you to, in fact I implore. If you have watched it, let me know so we can discuss it because I can guarantee that I will be talking about it for at least the next year and a half or until the next time she decides to bless us again.