How to make friends as a remote adult
You just started a new job, had a couple of zoom meetings to get started, and maybe even joined a virtual after office. Can you make friends in this new world?
Maybe the thing we miss most of offices is the social connection. While more productive, remote work life tends to be lonelier. That’s not good, if according to the longest study on happiness by Harvard University.
Having an active social life helps us live a longer, happier life.
How did we meet our friends in the beginning? In school, it was a lot easier. We sat in class and got to know random strangers that gradually would turn into best men and brides maids. There’s a key element in those interactions: repetition.
There’s a psychology bias called “Proximity Effect”, where we tend to like people more if we only see them often.
We shared our experiences daily with other kids, and pretty soon bonds emerged. This is a lot harder to accomplish later in life, especially without offices.
Your office friends may not be friends after all
Collegue relations always have a different feel to them. If it’s our boss, she may be forced next month to fire us, which could (quite possibly) damage the relationship.
There may be also a feeling of competition in the day to day. You both might be eyeing the same promotion, and a one on one with the CEO sounds better than a couple beers after a presentation.
But most importantly, you might not be yourself. The longer you work together, the more that person sees how you want to be seen.
Most of the subjects you talk about have some relation to the workplace. It may be office gossip, learning opportunities or just funny memes. It’s harder to get at topics like psychological issues, moral dilemmas, or heartfelt advice. But this is exactly what we look for in friends.
Compare that relationship with the people that knew you from pre-school. At the beginning there was almost no filter, and soon enough they got to know the real you.
The good news is that you can improve these relationships. Starting with asking how about life outside work, the more we ask these questions, the better we will get to know our coworkers.
It may feel awkward in the beginning, but over time we will feel more at ease.
Finally, in those conversations we should give more compliments, since we underestimate their impact.
In short, try to get to know your coworkers outside the office. They might be showing you just a sliver of what’s underneath, but it’s worth it to deepen those realtionships.
New friends outside the workplace
If you started working remotely, your best shot may be in your surroundings. Like in school, one of the main keys is repeated interaction. Seeing the same people every week for a couple of months can spark a new friendship.
A good place to start can be clubs. It all depends on what interests you. Sports? Reading? Knitting? Cooking? It’s very likely that there’s a group around you that meets regularly to enjoy that hobby. It will be daunting at first, but after the ice is broken, you will probable see some things emerge.
Something to keep in mind when meeting new people is the liking gap. We feel people like us less than what they really do.
We can counteract this by always believing a new acquaintance likes us. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, since we behave in a friendlier manner. Just as Peter Kaufman says in my favourite speech: “go positive and go first”.
Takeaway
Before you go, I have a challenge. I don’t want you to just enjoy the article, I want you to take action. Easy, you don’t have to go outside (yet).
The only think I ask is for you to open your calendar, pick a time next week, and schedule a half an our meeting with yourself to do some activity research. It could be looking for a new gym, App or club.
Then, set a meeting to go try it out. If the time comes and you don’t feel like going, it’s ok. I really hope you do, and who knows, maybe we’ll meet eachother.
