Destination Funeral Photographer

(Some crap travel site I came across one day, (not literally, that would have been sticky and gross), had a contest in which the winner got an all expenses paid trip to anywhere in the world. All one had to do was submit an essay detailing where you wanted to go and why. How fucking easy is that? I thought to myself, “I sure as fuck can win that shit”, but then I looked at the previous winner’s entry. The very first thing she wrote was “I’m a destination wedding photographer, and consequently I travel. A lot.” Jesus Fucking Christ just who is more deserving of a trip than that asshole? Why give some poor slob who’s working 50 hours a week in Shitville, USA and have never been out of their hometown, a trip of a lifetime? They probably don’t have quality luggage anyway! Give it to the chick who travels year round! Maybe when she gets finished travelling she’ll have time to take her trip.

Obviously I instantly despised her but she didn’t rise to the level of disdain reserved for despots, dictators and sandwich salesman until she picked the Faeroe Islands as her destination. Aren’t you fucking precious. I guess only boring dickheads dream of going to Hawaii and Paris. The cool kids dream trip is some godforsaken rocks in the North Sea you’ve never heard of. Also her favorite thing to do while travelling is “travel jogging”, which is made up bullshit concocted just so you hate her even more than the disease that killed your dog. I hated her, and the site, and so I submitted an entry I hoped would make them all reconsider life and look into nooses and carbon monoxide. Enjoy!)

Bucket List Trip Entry: Tell us where you want to go and why.

Aloha!

As a destination funeral photographer I think I’m totes ideal for your bucket list initiative. I know more than most that death is just around the corner, whether in the form of cancer or an assassin, or even an assassin riddled with cancer who really has nothing to lose! So even though the contest doesn’t seem to be open right now I figured I’d better not wait and submit anyway, cause who knows, I might not be around when it does open up, and I’m sure I won’t write very well when I’m dead.

First and foremost the reason I think I deserve to win this trip is cause I already travel. A lot. I mean all the time. I’m travelling right now mind you. The hydrofoil I’m on is currently floating smoothly, and I hope I can say the same for my prose! LOL! OMG. Rofl. Anyhoos, when I have time from all the travelling I already do I’d love to travel some more on your dime, even though I’ve pretty much already been everyplace, twice.

When not busy photographing the deceased, I love to skip. I mean sure I skip at home all the time, but there is something really joyful about travel skipping, especially when I’ve been hunched over coffins all day. In my hometown I’m constantly looking at slugs, and my shoelaces, and the garbage strewn about my city’s streets, (my town is filthy FYI…don’t travel here! LOL!), but when I travel skip, I look up, and it results in a lot less skipping into walls and traffic, which I seem to do all the time in my hometown, much to the annoyance of the local police and motorists.

I don’t hold a map when I travel skip. I do hold a knife however cause I don’t trust foreigners, or my neighbors at home for that matter. I do hold grudges. Always. I like to smell things when I travel skip, but my home skipping crashes have busted my nose up so many times my sense of smell is no longer so sharp.

When home I’m itching to leave. The bedbug infestation has really gotten crazy in my place, to say nothing of the fleas. I would blame my dog but he ran away years ago. I love trees.

My travel style is delicious and smells like cinnamon. I always have a spare danish hidden on my person somewhere. I do accost strangers. My attorney hears from me often.

PHOTOS

What is the point of travelling to some far off land to snap pics of a body if you don’t take the time to skip about a bit? It’s like an insult to the dead if you don’t discover at least one street vendor who sells a decent hot dog.

Urban exploration is my second oldest and dearest friend, but my first was actually a person. He died though, and though I took many destination funeral photos of his burial at sea, through my grief I neglected to remember that my camera was not waterproof, so they all came out soggy. I’ll remember that next time someone I know dies and is buried underwater, or my other love, basements, get flooded real bad. I will. Wear rain boots. Dry.

BUCKET LIST TRIP

I’ve always been attracted to the sympathetic. More to attractive people though. My town smells so bad and the people are so gross, I got an ache in my loins to bust out, but not to another destination funeral cause I gotta be honest, looking at corpses all day is kind of depressing, even when they are cutely placed under a palm tree on some island.

So I totes want to go somewhere not gross, or cold and godforsaken, like an island hardly anyone has ever heard of and hardly anyone lives on cause there ain’t all that much there. Also I’m sick of cemeteries.

I heard Vietnam has KFC’s now, and when not eating coffee cakes I do enjoy a nice buttered biscuit. My local KFC barred me cause I kept skipping into other customers, and so I’d love a chance to see a new KFC in Vietnam. V is also my favorite letter cause if you turn it upside down it looks like a party hat, and I like to party.

DOCUMENT MY ADVENTURE

I use many mediums to tell my tales, including my actual medium, Rowena, a gypsy woman I met at a destination funeral by the Black Sea. She has her own crystal ball. Also I never travel without my 53 different cameras and assorted lenses, which does result in a hefty checked bag fee I won’t lie! It’s worth it though cause the right lens and camera combo really makes the dead body come to life. (not literally of course, though Rowena insists that if I use my Nikon at midnight I can revive smaller corpses.)

Now that I think about it I’ve been using my phone to take pics lately and no one can tell the difference, so I might leave my 53 cameras at home this time.

Also I have a photo mini zeppelin for aerial shots and bombardments.

I do blog and throw a hell of a lot of messages in bottles. In fact every single time I finish a drink I stuff a message into the empty container and hurl it into the next body of water I see. I love correspondence.

When I get tired from skipping I like to rest and mime stories too.

So, I look forward to winning and if you know anyone who is dead but would still like to travel please let me know.