Adoption & Identity: moving from what was to what can be
On July 28th, I will be part of an important dialogue on adoption and identity. This webcast will be held through Adoption Learning Partners (ALP) and is titled: Adoption & Identity: nature, nurture, and the lifelong journey to self.
Why is this topic of identity so important to me and to countless others in the adoption and foster care arena? My answer is that anything left unresolved in life can lead to physical, emotional, and spiritual heaviness. A weight that can hinder a person in his/her own personal development and overall sense of self-worth and well-being.
As a child grows, the understanding of adoption becomes more shadowed in question and more complex in thought. It is only normal that inquiries surrounding birth family would begin to manifest. It is only normal that the child would begin to ask the “why’s” of adoption: why was I in foster care, why was I in an orphanage, why was I adopted, why didn’t my first parents keep me, why do I feel different…why? It is only normal that a child would begin to question nature and nurture: DNA vs. upbringing, or environment.
It is only normal that an adopted child would explore these questions as they grow. No matter how difficult these questions are, they stand essential to healthy identity formation. What is not normal is disallowing the child to ask, to explore, to journey his/her own history; it is not normal to silence the child. It is not normal for a child to bear the burden of a cultural identity over the child’s true identity.
Children who bear this burden grow into adults who wear the scars of confusion, hurt, and rejection. I will go one step further: prohibiting adopted children from reaching their own sense of identity results in feelings of annihilation: of being completely destroyed of self, of value, of voice.
What they see of themselves is what they have been told, not what they have been allowed to discover. Thus, the path to a healthy adulthood becomes clouded in what was, over what can be.
You see, we cannot control what was. I, for example, cannot control the decisions that my birthparents made that left me in the hands of the United Kingdom’s social services. I cannot control the labels that were placed on me within that system. Labels like, difficult to place, and illegitimate. These labels represent the cultural identity that was placed upon me due to circumstances surrounding me. These labels never represented my true identity. Yet, I wore them like a cloak of truth because I didn’t know that I had the power to do otherwise. I wasn’t allowed to ask, to inquire, to explore in a way that felt free, and not judged.
What I have discovered, in adulthood, along my own journey of self-exploration is that I possess an incredible power: the power over what can be. I believe this power is absolutely life-affirming for every child of adoption — no matter their current age or season in life.
The power over what can be has much to do with the language we use with the adopted child, our ability to listen and to hear the child, and the ability to help the child become aware of what is true and what is not. The more the child confuses story with truth, the more difficult it is for the child to make changes assisting them toward growth and healthy identity.
Most importantly, the power over what can behas everything to do with believing that children of adoption are whole, capable, resourceful and creative along their own journey of discovery. This will improve their overall sense of fulfillment in life, and lead to the unlocking of their brilliant potential and ability to lead.
These topics will be further explored during the July 28th webcast, along with conversation about opportunities to help a child process various pieces of their story, empathize with conflicting feelings of loss, and recognize how common life events — like birthdays and visits to the doctor — can serve as emotional triggers for persons of adoption.
The key here is openness of discussion and also seeing this journey as inter-developmental for both the child and the parent. If allowed, the walk together can be a source of great bonding and, ultimately, one of great joy.
Onward to True Identity,
Michelle Madrid-Branch is an author, speaker and global advocate for women and children. She is the host of The Greater Than Project, a web series exploring the greatness within women. She is also the author of Adoption Means Love: Triumph of the Heart, The Tummy Mummy, and Mascara Moments: Embracing the Woman in the Mirror.
You can connect with Michelle on Twitter @LetHerBeGreater or on Facebook. To learn more about Michelle, please visit MichelleMadridBranch.com.
