Day 5: The History of The Roman Catholic Church

It being Christmas Eve and all, Doug and I ventured out to a Roman Catholic church for midnight mass. Neither of us are Roman Catholic, not had been to a service like this before, so we thought we’d give it a gander.

Roman Catholicism is weird.

I have come to the conclusion that this is the rough history of the Roman Catholic Church:

Circa BC 103: The Roman Union For Public Speakers With Monotonous Voices (RUFSWiMoV) gets together for the first time at a local wine bar, the Holy Drinker (on Northcote Road).

Circa BC 102: Following the Holy Drinker’s closure for refurbishment, The RUFSWiMoV briefly change location to an unknown restaurant. Here they are served complimentary bread for the first time. No one orders any food, but a lot of wine is still drunk

Circa BC 55: A season of unusually good weather for incense related crops causes what is now referred to as “The Arab Spring”

Circa BC 11: A broke incense merchant stumbles in to a bar to drink his sorrows, when he bumps in to the members of RUFSWiMoV and convinces them to buy 999 years worth of incense at heavily discounted prices. The leading members of the organisation try and palm off the incense to their relatives for Christmas for 5 years, before surrendering to the fact that they’ve still got a load of incense to get through.

Circa AD 5: The chairman of RUFSWiMoV decrees that incense must be burnt for a combined total of 1 minute for every 2 minutes their meetings are in session.

Circa AD 20: Jesus applies for membership at RUFSWiMoV

Circa AD 21: After a lengthy discussion, Jesus is rejected membership, and becomes bitter.

Circa AD 30: RUFSWiMoV realise they made a mistake rejecting Jesus as he has become incredibly popular. They re-approach him, but now he refuses. Membership suffers greatly as people start to join Jesus’ new club, and can no longer afford to pay for membership to RUFSWiMoV.

AD 56 (January): “Cathartic Speaking” is registered as 86% of the western population’s favourite past time.

AD 56 (June): RUFSWiMoV change their name to Roman Cathartic Speakers (RCS) in order to gain more members.

AD 100: RCS uses the slogan “Jesus Says JOIN” on posters to drive sign ups — it proves relatively successful, though a printing error has meant that the RCS are now left with millions of posters that they won’t need. Many people are still not able to pay the large joining fee, which limits growth somewhat.

AD 101: The first recorded use of “Money Sacks on Sticks” — the club treasurer believes that membership should be free, but at each meeting a “collection bag” is passed around. Those who do not place money in the bag are osteresised and told they can “go somewhere really bad”

AD 133: Club secretary visits Hull for the first time. He does not enjoy himself.

AD 134: Those who do not donate to the money bag are reportedly told that they can “go to Hull”.

AD 160: The RCS get’s caught up in the Great Gold Craze.

AD 200: Gold prices plummet as people realise it’s essentially just a rock, and it doesn’t even look that nice. The RCS informs people that they can trade in their gold for an original “Jesus says JOIN” poster. This not only proves incredibly popular, but also brings many new members through the doors for the first time.

AD 250: The first Cathartic Hall of Venting Roman Cathartic Husbands (CHVRCH) is built in order to provide sanctuary for husbands who are getting annoyed with their wives and want to vent.

Gradually over a couple of thousand years, words, and indeed customs, gradually evolved in to what is now the Roman Catholic Church.

Now that that is over. Here is a very brief post about what we did today.

We got up, opened presents, played football in the flat, seasoned the shit out of some chicken, ate the chicken (it tasted of chicken flavouring as opposed to actual chicken — excess seasoning perhaps), we watched “It’s a Wonderful Life”, Doug cried a little, and now we’re heading out in to the cold Sibian night.

That’s pretty much it.


It’s also worth noting that Doug has just said: “Can we invent a game with potatoes? we have quite a few of them.”

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