Depression: The things you should see

10+ things I learned about Depression by being a friend

Depression as a serious health condition, is being spoken about often. It is likely, that you would have come across articles about what it feels like. But what does it actually feel like, when someone you know goes through it?

One of my closest friends was diagnosed with depression about a year ago. Besides enduring the several pains of depression (ranging from sleeplessness and fatigue to panic attacks), he had to deal with the way family and friends took it. Most of us tagged it as exam fear, performance pressure, lack of motivation, just a heartbreak and what not! Simply because we couldn’t see the darkness, he claimed was eating away at him.

World depression awareness week was observed from April 18 to 24 and many brave people took to Twitter to share similar sentiments and tell the world what depression feels like with the hashtag #whatyoudontsee.

Depression is a misunderstood disease. Going by the statistics that claim one-third of India is depressed (which is not the same as being sad), it is possible that someone you know is going through the dreaded thing right now. This is why you need to know the following essential things about Depression.

1. It’s Real
So often we tell the affected ones, “It’s all in your head”. True. When it’s a bright shiny day outside, but it’s raining inside your head, the rain is more real. It is not an imagination you can snap out of.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” — Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

2. There is no one reason
We tend to relate depression with recent events in the person’s life — failing an exam, losing a job, recent breakup, prolonged illness etc. Don’t assume you know the reason. Sometimes it is because a person is weighed down by the pressure to meet the expectations of the world, because of guilt for the things they think they did wrong. Most often it is form of self-loathing and guilt arising from a myriad of reasons.

3. It’s not smaller in comparison
I told my friend stories of people who lost their parents quite young, of people who faced horrible break ups, who struggled against many odds in life to just get an education etc., in an effort to motivate him. And then I came across this amazing quote.

There are people out there with real problems, problems outside of their head. But that doesn’t make the fight against depression any easier. Let’s not belittle the struggles.

4. Panic doesn’t listen to logic

I can vouch for this one personally. Asking somebody to think rationally in the middle of a panic attack, is like asking a fish to try and breathe on land. “What are you afraid of?”, “What’s the worst thing that could happen?” are questions that can’t be processed at that moment. “Take a deep breath” is a helpful alternative.

5. Just go to sleep is not a solution
‘It will all be okay in the morning’ doesn’t hold good. I read late into the night until I doze off on my book. So when my friend complained of sleeplessness ‘read until you are sleepy’ was my favorite advice for him. He couldn’t follow it. Sleeplessness is because of thoughts (that would seem irrational in the morning) streaming in. Knowing you can’t sleep tonight creates a kind of frenzy which makes it impossible to focus on reading.

6. Advice? No Thanks.
“Dude, you can’t skip that exam”, “Hey, you can’t quit that job” are said with good intentions at heart, no doubt. Before you give such valuable advice, have you made an attempt to understand why this person is seemingly quitting? Have you asked what them exactly their problems are? If no, please don’t tell them what they ought to do. They know what they ought to do. Not being able to find the strength to do is the pain. Your advice is much appreciated only if you’re fighting beside them.

7. Say “Cheer up buddy!” But know it doesn’t work.
Depression is not the same as sadness. It’s not a temporary emotional wave. Say “Cheer up”, because knowing someone wants you to cheer up, helps.But don’t expect the person to snap out of depression that instant.

8. Believe
Depression is a lot of self-doubt. Doubting if it’s just laziness or really fatigue, doubting if the exhaustion is real, doubting if it will ever be over. What you could give them is your trust. Believe that they are struggling and the struggle is real. Once I was talking to a friend about ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and I said, “Don’t you think that beyond a point, it’s all fancy medical terms to normal brain fluctuations?” Even if that was right, that doesn’t make a person’s fight against it any easier. Do not add your doubts to the crippling weight of self-doubt.

9. See through invisibility

Depression makes them invisible. They don’t show up at social events. They fade out. Ring them up and ask “How’re you doing?” once in a while( instead of only when it suits you). See them when they are invisible.

10. Give Time
It might take a month. It might a take a year. Maybe, traces of the fear will remain forever. The time it takes is one of the scariest things about depression. So if you know someone battling depression, don’t even silently wonder how long they would keep this going. Give them all the time in the world to heal.

11. Accept the change
When you watch someone dear, going through the debilitating disease, you will watch them change. You will see a multi-tasking smartass become a guy who says “one thing at a time”. You will watch their priorities change, their view of the world change. The changes are here to stay. It would do good to accept them.

12. Stay Hopeful
Depression is synonymous with hopelessness. Even the most rational of people would come to question if things would ever be okay. You will see the person perfectly happy for 3 days and have a complete meltdown on the fourth and this can rob you of hope too. It might seem like they don’t value your effort to help them. Most often, they don’t practice the things you suggest.

Sometimes, all you can do for them is stand and watch them pick up the pieces. This is the real test for a friend. To remain hopeful for them.