I’m going to be real with you right now.
It’s 2:40 in the afternoon on Tuesday. I’ve been working on a big project since 7:30 AM. It’s important. But it’s not important to this.
Out of the blue, I hit a wall this afternoon and I cannot focus — as in physically focus my left eye or my brain — for anything. I’m having trouble focusing my left eye because I’m about to have a terrible retinal migraine.
But that’s not important to this.
What’s bugging me is my inability to focus my brain. Usually, I’m a very organized person and I flow through my daily workflows no-problem.
However, I’ve been fighting to remain focused since about 2:00pm this afternoon and it’s not something I’m used to dealing with. Is this some acute form of burnout? Have I pushed myself too hard today?
I was chugging along fine and then I wasn’t. I got up for a glass of water and drank it slowly. That’s how it started. With a glass of water and that first little sparkle in my left eye that signals the migraine train is pulling into the station.
Any other day, I can push through that until a migraine actually happens and then I go into a dark, quiet place until it passes and then I pick up where I left off.
But not today.
So I texted a friend and he suggested I get some fresh air. Which I’m doing. I went for a little walk but still felt off. Being the person that I am I thought writing might help. I’m sitting on my porch typing this out. It’s slowgoing.
On my walk my mind just wandered and in an attempt to reign in my distraction, I made a list of the things that are floating around in my head:
- a story where the protagonist is schizophrenic
- how complicated the genetics of eye color are
- the ever-growing list of books I want to read
- how the sky looks a little bit like fall today & the breeze is nice
- going home for the weekend & watching the buildings slowly fade into open pastures & cows
- that there are some places in the world the sun doesn’t set for 60 days at a time
It is now 3:07pm.
It has taken me 27 minutes to focus enough to write this post.
It has taken me 40minutes to achieve nothing.
Nevermind all the things I accomplished between 7:30 this morning and 2:00 this afternoon. The focus here is on the last hour.
This fog. This buzz. This mist. This haze. This shadow. This language. This narrative. This idea that when you tell a story you must remember to build a door to escape through so you don’t die there when the words stop.